Shannon Sharpe

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Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?

Well, too bad because football season has started, and the crap that comes along with it is here too!

Don’t get me wrong; I love me some football. However, there are a few things I hate about football. Let’s discuss, shall we?

Why is it the big sponsors come up with the dumbest ad campaigns for football? Last year they started out with the stupid Coors Light Silver Bullet Love Train commercial. This ad was based on the first game of the season between the Raiders and the Patriots. The scenario: hot, baby - we need something to cool us off! Hey - here comes a train with beer on it and it’s got a snow storm behind it! I’m so excited I could high-five this Raider fan! Oh, no, wait - can’t do that! The best part is, they ran this commercial well into December. Not sure I want to cool down in Foxboro in December. Maybe then the Raider fan and Patriot fan can snuggle up under a blanket with some nice warm cocoa?

Then Diet Pepsi designed a campaign around a soda machine getting drafted and playing receiver for the Patriots. (Let me just insert right here, I am SO glad the Broncos didn’t win the Super Bowl last year. Have fun Steelers fans!) The machine was catching passes, smacking players on the butt with a towel, getting the fans to chant his name... "Machine’s got great hands!" "What hands?" HAHAHA - Kill me!!!

The announcers are complete idiots too - all of them from the studio to the sidelines. Stupid sideline reporters! Do these people add ANYTHING to the game? And it’s not just the women - Armen Keteyian is an idiot too! By the way, NOBODY is named Armen Keteyian! But these people try to get info out of coaches before and after half-time and the coaches must HATE it! "Leslie, tell us what Coach Shanahan had to say about his team coming into the second half." "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan said that since his team is down, they need to score. Also, their defense has to play better and keep the other team out of the end zone. Back to you." What a revelation! I want to know what Coach Shanahan REALLY told Leslie! "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan told me I look absolutely ridiculous in this hat and I should go back to watering plants in mental institutions. Back to you. Oh, and he told me my mouth is so big that it could provide section 8 housing for a family of seven and they would still have room for their 1984 Dodge Caravan with the peeling paint. Now back to you." While I’m on the sideline reporter thing, I heard this during the college bowl games last year: "Tell us what you know about Anderson’s groin, would ya Suzy?" Um, I don’t think I want to know what Suzy knows about Anderson’s groin!

The color commentators are complete morons as well. Dan Dierdorf is convinced that as soon as any player does something right he’s the "best player in the league at that position." "Do you see how the guard pulled and laid this block on the linebacker? That is very difficult for a guy his size and that is why he’s one of the best interior linemen in the league!" OK, then two plays later the same guy gets beat by a defensive tackle and his QB gets leveled. Oh wait - "This little sweep move by the defensive tackle here gave him a free shot at the quarterback. Moves like that make this guy the best defensive lineman in the NFL today." Guh!

It’s not like John Madden is any better. The whole BAM-POW crap is over and done. Now he’s analyzing nothing plays on his telestrator like something great just happened. "See this guard here? He’s going to-BAM-move straight ahead. And this tackle here is gonna-POW-plow forward too. Then the running back will-BANG-follow behind them and pick up a yard." Um, so? Go back to your bus, eat a 4-legged turkey and shut the hell up!

Don’t get me started on the play-by-play guys. I know there are MANY teams in the league, but these guys have no clue what’s going on and they are always missing player’s names, etc. And Dick Enberg feels the need to pull ridiculous facts about players from thin air as he’s making calls. "And the former 3rd place finisher in the 1992 12 and under tri-county chess tournament in Orlando Florida can now add a tipped pass to his resume - oh my!" WTF? "It’s a touchdown for a guy who grew up raking sand for the pro beach volleyball tour." SHUDDAP!

Then, when they send you to the studio for halftime highlights, Terry Bradshaw goes out and makes a complete ass out of himself. Actually, he doesn’t need to try to hard to do that. But you MUST listen to Shannon Sharpe do highlights - it’s AWESOME! In fact, because I love you, I have a quick 3-step lesson on how to impersonate Shannon Sharpe. Ready?

1) Use the Eddie Murphy dumb black guy voice. The slow, deep voice with the slight lisp.

2) Over annunciate every word with your mouth. You have to move and flap your lips a lot.

3) Speed it up!

(If you need an audio demonstration, give me a call!)

The showboating in football really bugs me too. Why can’t all players be professionals like Rod Smith? The guy scores a touchdown, turns around, tosses the ball to the referee, and then jogs off the field. Most of these guys dance and celebrate over nothing! A team can be down by 30 points with 4 minutes left in the game and some defensive back will make a tackle and then start celebrating. Hey, YOU’RE LOSING BY 30! Maybe if you made that tackle in the first half, this game would be a little closer and you’d have a reason to celebrate. Besides, all you did was your job. You are being paid to tackle, and now that you’ve actually accomplished your task, you feel the need to dance and act like a buffoon? What if this type of behavior spilled over into the business world? Every time a receptionist transferred a call, they’d have to go roar back at the phone, get down on one knee, and pound their chest with 2 fingers and point to the sky. Speaking of this action, has EVERY NFL player lost someone to a tragedy? How many dead buddies do they really have, or are they just paying tribute to ol’ grandmamma? All I know is the next time I complete anything for my boss, I’ll enter his office bobbing my head and I’ll throw whatever on his desk and exclaim, "Yeah, you TRIED!" Then maybe I’ll do a little shoveling action before I walk out.

OK, if that isn’t enough to get you ready for some football, maybe this little Broncos video will help: