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Now, I know that there are plenty of dumbasses at any given moment, but occasionally, one stands out from the rest. Today's is good ol' Maurice Clarett. Those of you who don't regularly follow sports and sports news might be glancing around, wondering "Who the hell is 'Maurice Clarett'?" The short of version of his bio might read, "Maurice Clarett showed great potential and tremendous ability as a freshman running back at Ohio State during 2002 season, but in the years since, his life has slowly crumbled to the point he is now facing robbery and gun charges." Fun, huh?
OK, so lets take a look at Clarett's timeline and we'll see just how big a dumbass he has been:
Jan. 2003: Scores the winning touchdown to give Ohio State the win over Miami in the National Championship game. So far, so good.
July 2003: Is accused of getting preferential treatment by a teacher at Ohio State. No so good, but it's not like this is the first time star athletes have been given a break. He was just stupid to place himself in a situation where the accusation could even come up. Dumbass move #1
Sept. 2003: Is charged with falsifying a police report for reporting $10,000 worth of property stolen from a car he had rented. Now we're getting into really bad things. Can you say "misdemeanor"? Dumbass move #2
Sept. 2003: Is suspended for the season by Ohio State for receiving thousands of dollars worth of "special" benefits. Everyone who goes through NCAA sports knows this is a violation of policies - hell, even most people who watch NCAA sports know this! Dumbass move #3
Sept. 2003: Sues the NFL, challenging a policy which states that players have to have been out of high school at least 3 years to be eligible for the draft. OK, now he has angered football personnel at both the college and pro levels. BIG Dumbass move #4
Jan. 2004: Pleads guilty of "failure to aid law enforcement" (a reduced charge from the falsified report in Sept. 2003). Still a dumbass for doing it in the first place, but at least he is taking some responsibility. No additional dumbass charges here.
Feb.-April 2004: Court rules in favor of Clarett over the NFL. The ruling in over turned by a federal court. Clarett files an emergency appeal with the Supreme Court, who refuse to even hear the case. Clarett is forced to wait until the 2005 draft to be eligible. Now he just looks like a REALLY BIG dumbass. Dumbass move #5
April 2005: Is drafted in the third round by my Denver Broncos. This is a real surprise that he went this early, as most were predicting a sixth or seventh round pick, but Mike Shanahan has been know do make some bold moves in the draft. Clarett makes the statement that he is happy to just have a chance and won't squander the opportunity. Maybe he is finally growing up some. No dumbass move here.
Aug. 2005: Complains that he is not getting enough reps in practice, is injured, calls for the dismissal of a Broncos assistant coach for yelling at him, and is repeatedly heard before practices to say something to effect of "I have to get my 'goose' on" (keep this in mind for later!). Predictably, he is cut by the Broncos. So, you don't want to squander your opportunity, huh? Dumbass moves #6, #7, and #8
Jan. 2006: Is accused of robbing two people at gunpoint in a Columbus, OH, alley. Turns himself in. The turning himself in is a very good thing, but it does not out weigh the VERY bad thing of armed robbery. Dumbass move #9
Aug. 2006: Is pulled over (for reckless driving) after a short chase. Police order him out of the car. They are forced to try and physically remove him when he won't comply, and when that fails, they hit with a taser to no effect. Clarett is finally removed after being maced, which is when police discover the taser had no effect because Clarett was wearing a bullet-proof vest. In the car they discover a hatchet, an AK-47 assault rifle (loaded), three handguns (also loaded) one of which was found to have been under his leg before the police pulled him out of the driver's seat, and a bottle of Grey Goose vodka (getting his "goose on" I guess). It has also been reported by ESPN that he was within blocks of the home of a woman who was scheduled to testify against him in the armed robbery case. Dumbass moves #10 through #19
Really, how can a person make so many completely dumbass moves in such a short span of time? And I acknowledge that he has not been convicted of anything yet, but you have to admit that it doesn't look good. My roommate commented that this is probably just an example of a star athlete who had become accustomed to having everyone kiss their ass all the time and now thinks that they can get away with anything they want. Possibly so. But there have been other athletes who started out this way and managed to learn the truth pretty quick. No, my guess is that it is a combination of things. Yes, the star athlete treatment thing is a big part of it. But there is also the suspected alcohol abuse, a very clear sense of entitlement, the possibility of being a habitual liar (there were other reported instances of him lying to people when he thought it would benefit him), and a profound sense of paranoia (he has claimed to have received death threats and that his telephone was bugged - I have no idea if this is all true or not, but he clearly believes it to be). And biggest of all, I think, HE'S A DUMBASS! Regardless of what comes of these latest troubles, I get the feeling this is not the last we've heard of Maurice Clarett. I don't know, but maybe at this he'll actually be able to turn his life around. We'll just have to wait and see.
***UPDATE***
Thursday, Aug. 10, 2006, 1:30 PM (AZ Time)
According to SI, Clarett's bail for this latest charge has been set to $5 MILLION! Citing Clarett as "a threat to the community," assistant prosecutor Chris Brown, originally had asked Judge Andrea Peeples to set bail at a minimum of $1 million. She decided that $1 was nowhere near enough. Clarett's attorney, Nick Mango, called the amount excessive - No. Shit. Sherlock. That's kind of the point - you want the judge to set a low bail for someone who was carrying four loaded guns, wearing a bullet-proof vest, was in the area of the home of a potential witness against them, and tried to run from the cops? Ladies and gentlemen, I present, for your amusement, another DUMBASS!
Welcome to the latest in our 32 part series, Better Know a Football Team.
If the NFL were Hollywood, the 2006 Oakland Raiders would be Snakes On A Plane. Every simpleton (even Sean Salisbury) knows that both are destined to fall flat on their faces, most likely in their opening weekends. At times both the Raiders and Snakes will range from uncomfortable to terrifying. More importantly to our cause, both projects have the potential for levels of humor not seen since the 1980 duo of the Raiders championship and Airplane!.
As always the story of Raider Nation begins with Al Davis, the League's resident hemmorhoid. The past three seasons have resulted in the Norvian average of 4.3 wins; once again the aged one spun the wheel of NFL coaches. Much like a contestant on The Price Is Right, Davis failed to complete a full spin on his first few tries and missed out on his top choices. With Bob Barker looking on the producers allowed the decrepit Davis to take a default, he was eventually able to retain Art Shell (you remember, he's the guy that replaced Mike Shanahan, and we all know how well that's going). He will soon go down as the first coach to begin his initial season on the hotseat.
For those who find the pathetic management of the front office too tragic to laugh at (pussies), I proudly present you Aaron Brooks. Mere words cannot do justice to the sheer majesty of Ron Mexico's cousin. Before we go further I'd like you to watch this YouTube clip as a friendly reminder of his exploits and future potential.
The bright spot of this franchise is the offensive talent surrounding their new play maker-upper. LaMont Jordan is a proven talent but he's yet to prove his longevity; combine that with a depth chart thinner than J.E. Skeets, and there could be trouble at times. The real strength comes from the speedy and sure-handed stable of receivers. Although Randy Moss is a pain in the ass he's got all the talent he needs to carry the offense... but more importantly he's got a smoothie franchise (I recommend the OG Kush).
Unfortunately for Brad Gilbert and any other Raider fans out there, Jerry Porter is already bitching about his new coach and his role on the team. His future in Oakland is currently in question. A popular option is last year's injury victim, Ronald Curry. Some of you may know him better as the best football/basketball combo that a Virginia high school has seen since AI's day. He went on to stab UVA in the back to play quarterback at UNC... where he sucked. Now he will try to join Porter to recreate the dynamic duo that outed Chump Bailey once and for all.
The defense was the obvious cause for concern in the offseason. Despite losing perennial underachiever/injury victim Charles Woodson the Raiders were able to shore up the beleaguered eleven by raiding the Rose Bowl rosters. They acquired two elite college safeties, Michael Huff of Texas and Darnell Bing of USC (apparently they will not be played by Hank Azaria and Matthew Perry despite what you may have heard). Thus far in minicamp the Raiders have been featuring Bing at outside linebacker, another defensive hole as of late.
Oakland is headed for a long season that will be rife with despair, truly the only ecstasy you'll find in that locker room will come from Sebastian Janikowski's stash pocket. Their best bet is to share that shit with the guys in the Black Hole and pray they don't riot.
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