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I'll get to the Eagles and UVA selections later, but let's just get a little draft roundup (part I) before the jokes get stale...
- I didn't particularly like the Anthony Fasano pick by the Cowboys, especially in light of fantasy considerations. Which are my only considerations when you consider that "No Fun League" is the most accurate possible nickname for this particular organization. How else do you explain people wondering if sooper-genious Norm Chow can get uber-freak Vince Young to square-peg it in circle junction next year instead of creating awesome, and more importantly, watchable paradigms in the NFL. Seriously, I don't think Mario Williams is a particularly awful pick, but we're on the verge of Knicks/Heat in the mid-90's.
Anyways, about Fasano, there's only, like, five or six tight ends worth taking and Jason Witten's one of them. Now they've got a 2nd-round pick coming in at the same position. This is going to fuck up someone's day. Likely mine.
- Other than Marcus Vick not getting a sniff of interest from the NFL, nothing brings me greater pleasure than "you have to consider Jason Campbell as being part of this class." Word...how's that workin' out?
- Speaking of which, eventually, Arthur Blank's gonna be awarded an honorary degree at Virginia Tech, since the Atlanta Falcons and Home Depot are apparently the only people Hokies are qualified to work for. And by the way, I think an honorary VT degree gets you a free Biggie Fries at the local Wendy's. Anyhoo, did you know D.J. Shockley is going to be competing with Bryan Fuckin' Randall for the #3 spot? True story!
And speaking of true stories, I've always said that I don't have opinions, I state facts. Well, that's particularly true in terms of Blacksburg. So many times, people have told me, "I was driving through there, and you weren't kidding." Well, on my way up to Foxfield, Yahoo! gave us the scenic route of going up I-81, and sometime around 1:30, the missus and I decided we couldn't hold out any longer for an Arby's to pop up. So, we saw the exit for Blacksburg, and I figure we might as well stop there since I know people in that area like to eat. Lo and behold, the first two eating establishments you see off the exit are Shoney's and Denny's. We finally get to the Wendy's and having seen the "Now Hiring" sign on the outdoor placard, I got to use the "I guess they do have a Career Services" joke. So, we go in and try to ignore the troglodytes going about their business, and all of a sudden, Megan feels hesitant to tell me that one of the mouth-breathers working there is currently using his break to suck his thumb. As opposed to the other woman on break who decides the best way to inspire consumer confidence is to smoke inside your own eating establishment. Dear lord.
- I feel for Eric Shelton; not only is he coming off a year-long knee injury, but as evidenced by the selection of DeAngelo Williams, he's also dead. The going line on DeShaun Foster is that he can't stay healthy, but that always seems to be football-speak for "we think he's got shit luck." Really, I'm not sure how many Flintstones chewables make a difference when you're in the grasp of a tackle that's about to snap your ACL. Although I think Williams is better than Chris Perry, this has all the feel of that pick, where a team that needs a little something to get them over the hump hedges their bets instead of filling a need. Such as say, wide receiver. I checked that schedule, boys- you ain't playing the Bears sixteen times. All things told, this is yet another RB black hole where I'll probably end up with one of them as my starter.
- There can't be a worse team to be a fan of than the Buffalo Bills. And I'm not just talking about the four Supe losses in a row, which never sounds as bad as it actually is. All offseason, there was talk about how Marv Levy might as well take over as head coach, which isn't a particularly bad idea when you've got Dick Jauron as your main guy. But hey, at least he was GM...until he morphed into Junior Soprano on Saturday. I realize that they made a pretty good argument as to why they needed to draft eighteen safeties, but is there a more faceless team in the NFL than the Bills? I didn't even recognize Whitner and McCargo, probably because once I get to the later parts of the first-round mock draft, my eyes kinda glaze over. Mostly, I'm just pissed about them passing on Leinart. Well, I'm a little torn...particularly if they keep Losman up in there, thus continuing the train wreck that is "J.P. Losman: Starting NFL QB"...which is the only way the Bills become entertaining. But then again, who wouldn't want to see a guy who was called too "Hollywood" subjected to a life in Buffalo? Okay, Philly's been called the city with the worst groupies (at least in terms of the NBA), but does anyone think that Jeremy Bloom is gonna suffer all that much? Matt Leinart wasn't meant to play in any game where the temperature's less than 75. T'anks fer nothin', Buffalo!
- Speaking of teams that passed on Leinart, you gotta love the Lions. Only in Matt Millen's mind can a Kitna/McCown/Orlovsky depth chart not render QB a "need position." Yes, it would probably look like poor form for him to not only draft an offensive player, but one who plays the same position as their #1 from 2002. But come on- even Akili Smith and David Klingler didn't shellshock the Bengals out of taking Carson Palmer. The best guess here is that Leinart maybe was a little too "Hollywood" for Millen, who really wishes that Homer Simpson hadn't beaten him to the "has the whole world gone gay?!?!" quote.
- And speaking of QB's, let's get to our boy-boy Jay Cutler. I usually don't bother reading Skip Bayless, but since procrastination is the order of the day during finals season, I'll take what I can get. You see, it's easy to write a Skip Bayless article, just so long as you go against what you perceive as conventional wisdom and assume it's truth without backing any of it up. Exactly how does he figure Manny Lawson will be a better player than Mario Williams? The best part of this article is how he says Mike Shanahan won a Super Bowl on April 29, 2006, a curious statement about a guy who's won something like one playoff game post-Elway. The reason they've won a Super Bowl already is that they drafted Jay Cutler. I'm not saying that he'll be a bad pro or anything; it's just that the logic is flawed. He says that the Broncos were denied a shot at the Seahawks this year because Jake Plummer, a QB whose stellar play got them homefield advantage during the playoffs, turned the ball over too much against the Steelers. It's understood that Plummer takes plenty of risks and he'll probably never change his stripes. So how is it that by taking the draft's most notorious gunslinger, someone whose college career was spent playing from behind at nearly all points, everything's different now? Cutler may not start this year, but I guarantee you that when Brett Favre retires, Jay's gonna helm the mantle for a few years when it comes to throwing baffling INT's into double coverage while announcers chalk it up to boys being boys or whatever.
The better move was getting Javon Walker, a process which shows how fucking counterintuitive the NFL has become. Let me get this straight: there's only one team out there who doesn't think Javon Walker constitutes anything more than the 37th-best player in the 2006 NFL Draft? No one else wanted their 2nd-round draft pick to magically turn into a Pro Bowl WR with only three years of meaningful playing time? I understand that he's coming off an injury and acquiring WR's via trade or free agency can be risky. History is littered with Andre Risons who never become the man in their new digs. It was pretty inevitable that the saddest acquisition of the offseason would happen to the Bills, as they took Worthless Price back in when Eric Moulds became a guaranteed fantasy bust by going to the Texans.
Well, what about drafting WR's? Yeah, that always works out. When compared to a current Pro Bowler who may not even be in his prime yet, doesn't picking any receiver constitute a "limited ceiling, unlimited basement" situation? Fucking No Fun League.
There are three days that I have marked on my calendar every year: the season finale of American Idol, Puff Daddy's birthday party, and my family and friends' annual fantasy football draft.
Ok, only one of those things is true. I've never even had a calendar. But if I did, I'd certainly leave November 4th left open for the possibility of a birthday invitation from Mr. Diddy.
Nonetheless, since I've never been to Puffy's B-day Bash, TFFL Draft Day remains my favorite day of the year. Its hard to explain why, with draft day becoming increasingly predictable. This year seemed especially familiar. Raf was up to his old wheeling and dealing tricks, Justin was continuing his love affair with tight ends (in possibly a different context), the old man was drafting crappy Bears players, and Amy brought Sun Chips.
Yup, the TFFL Draft was back in all its glory. This year marked year number two from the Commish's basement, a place that seems to bring out the best in all of us. Hell, even my constant reciting of Hawk Harrelson sayings and lines from Anchorman aren't quite as tiresome and old.
But regardless of all the extracurricular nonsense that occurs in the depths of the Stahnke house, this is still a fantasy football draft. And its a day that separates the winners from the losers; a day that decides who gets one of those giant checks at the end of the year; a day that determines who gets a lapdance from the Commish at the TFFL banquet.
And now I will take it upon myself to decide who will be playing deep into December, and who will driving the winners home from the banquet. So, if you'd allow me a moment, I am now going to ridicule each and every one of your drafts, and subsequently, your lives.
Amish Rake Fight (owner: Yours truly)
Good thinkin: Landing Julius Jones with my first pick, in a draft short on running backs, could go a long way towards righting the ship, granted that he stays healthy. I also managed to do a decent job at landing top notch scorers at the secondary positions (kicker, defense, coach) with Neil Rackers, Chiefs D and Mike Holmgrem added to the mix.
What the?: Reggie Brown in the third round was definitely a stretch. He has potential, and will benefit from being the number one receiver in Philly, but he could have easily been obtained in round five. Could have also done a better job getting a quality backup QB, in case Donovan McNabb's career keeps spiraling downward.
Grade: Not enough offensive firepower added to offset the declining performance of McNabb. The team has some promise, but question marks remain: C+
Bears (owner: The Old Man)
Good thinkin: Getting Denver RB Tatum Bell in the third round could be a steal, now that he'll be the featured back in the Broncos offense. If he has a breakout year, the Bears could be among the favorites to win the Stupid Bowl.
What the?: With their least stable position being at running back, where do the Bears start? By drafting two wide receivers. And here's the bigger head scratcher: one of those receivers is coming off a serious knee injury (Jevon Walker) and the other is member of the not so threatening Chicago Bears offense (Muhsin Muhammad).
Grade: These guys seem to come into every draft pretty well set. This year they had Peyton Manning, Willis McGahee and Marvin Harrison. Unfortunately, their supporting cast isn't nearly as frightening: C
Carter Ragin Cajuns (owner: Dempsey, Carolyn and Syvanah Carter)
Good thinkin: They managed to land QB Ben Roethlisberger, probably the second best QB in the draft, in the second round. And Dominick Rhodes, granted that he beats out Joseph Addai for the starting RB job in Indy, could be a steal in the third round. Being a featured back in a high powered offense always makes for interesting potential.
What the?: They start their draft, as well as their return from a one year absence, with the selection of RB Corey Dillon with the third overall pick. Apparently, they failed to realize that Dillon has been slowly declining in recent years, and that his starting job in New England is currently in jeopardy. This was probably the most puzzling pick of the draft.
Grade: The selection of Dillon in the first round, as well as the shot in the dark known as Duce Staley unfortunately overshadow some good picks in between: C-
Colorado Rippers (owner: Teresa Steele and Rick Sackschewsky)
Good thinkin: While drafting Reggie Bush was questioned ever since they announced the selection back in December, the pick should bode well for the future. He is a special talent, and if he becomes an elite running back, he gives the Rippers a solid building block for years to come.
What the?: They drafted TE Todd Heap about three rounds too early. They also made the Broncos D, Jason Elam and Mike Shanahan the first of their positions to be taken, when none of them are in the top 5 at their positions as far as fantasy points go.
Grade: They probably would have scored an A- if they hadn't let their Denver Bronco love get in the way. Nonetheless, they added Reggie Bush and some decent secondary players to an already solid returning core: B
D.C. Bushleaguers (owner: Brian and Amy Schmaranzer)
Good thinkin: Tory Holt basically fell into their laps, but it was still an excellent pickup. Adding WR Derrik Mason to go with Holt and Andre Johnson will give them one of the better receiving corps. in the league.
What the?: They failed to find the impact running back that they need, and their will probably be a heavy burden on Cadillac Williams to have a big year for them. They could be helped by the fact that both Kevan Barlow and Frank Gore have starting jobs now, but neither of them have proven to be consistent scorers.
Grade: While not an Earth shattering draft, they picked up their share of solid players and have put together a team with a solid future: B+
Fightn Frigates (owner: Fred "Rick" Stahnke)
Good thinkin: Getting WR Jerry Porter was a quality pickup in round eight.
What the?: Where to start? Santana Moss would be a great pickup if he had a decent QB throwing to him. And the big problem: they drafted his QB, Mark Brunell in the second round. To put it lightly, Mark Brunell sucks. And he is now the starting QB for the Frigates.
Grade: The Mark Brunell pick in the second round was a waste. Only their later round picks (Colts D, Marcus Robinson) save them from getting an F. Instead, they get: D-
Gaylord Fockers (owner: Rafael Ferrera)
Good thinkin: While on the surface, the Chad Johnson and a draft pick for Tiki Barber appeared to be a foolish trade, I think this one might end up being a solid move. The leagues point system is heavily favorable to running backs, and pairing Barber with the newly acquired Larry Johnson should keep the Fockers amongst the elite.
What the?: The trade did have its drawbacks, most notably the giant hole that it left in the Fockers receiving corps. They consistently tried to address this throughout the draft, only to come up with mixed results (the best receiver landed was Deion Branch, who is currently holding out).
Grade: Drew Bledsoe, taken in the 4th round, will make or break this team. If the T.O. experiment in Dallas fails, that could doom this team. Nonetheless, their formidable running combo will win them some games: B
Harper Hoochie Mamas (owner: Heather and J. Nordin)
Good thinkin: Landing Trent Green to conclude the first round was a steal. And although they traded the wrong running back to land Anquoin Boldin, the trade did allow the defending champs to add some depth to an already solid core.
What the?: They made a lot of safe picks, so its hard to question their logic on most of them. Unfortunately for the Hoochies, they were unable to land a #1 receiver to compliment a strong running and passing game. Their current receiving corps. consist of some fading #2's and a bunch of #3's.
Grade: Luckily for the Hoochies, the Larry Johnson trade has no bearing on their grade, and they did manage to salvage some good picks as the result of it: A
Indiana Rednecks (owner: Jason, Eva and Jared Sagan)
Good thinkin: Actually, it didn't take much thinking at all when Matt Hasselbeck, by far the best QB available, fell in their lap at the #4 pick. They also picked up Donte Stallworth, who established himself as the #1 receiver for the Saints last year, in the second round. He could do wonders for their chances if he can stay healthy.
What the?: Taking Cedric Benson in the 3rd round is cause for a head examination. Not only is he hindered by a terrible Bears offense, he'll most likely be the #2 back and should see very few scoring opportunities.
Grade: Besides the Benson pick, the Rednecks did fairly well, with the selection of a top scoring defense (Carolina) in the 4th round, and a possible sleeper in Marion Barber, who could make some noise if the often injured Julius Jones goes down as the starting Dallas running back: B
Kenya Diggit (owner: Zack Stiff)
Good thinkin: While he's not one of the safest running backs to take, getting Thomas Jones in the 7th round was a solid pick. He has managed to find the end zone at a decent rate the past couple years, and in a draft short on running back talent, that he was still around in the 7th round was shocking.
What the?: They could have done much better than the Falcons D in the 4th round. And with a fading Brett Favre, I would have started off with drafting a QB in the first round, where several quality QB's were still available (Brees, Warner, Roethlisberger and Green come to mind).
Grade: They were able to catch Jake Plummer in the 3rd round, who despite his maddening inconsistency, could hold the fort quite well for a team on the rise: B
Montana Deadmen (owner: Cindi Avila/Justin Casey)
Good thinkin: While already possessing the fantasy football equivalent to Jesus himelf (LaDainian Tomlinson), and a cast of talented receivers, priority number one was to score a reliable QB. And they did just that by taking Drew Brees in the 1st round. He's not the best QB around, but when healthy, he's good enough.
What the?: The Deadmen's obsession with tight ends sure isn't a healthy one, but they did manage to pick up some good ones this year (most notably, Heath Miller and Kellen Winslow). But waiting too long to take a defense left them with the Vikings D. Yuck!
Grade: The team that I have as the early favorites to win this years Stupid Bowl did what they needed to do, and the rest of the league better take notice: A
Sawtooth Mountain Wolves (owner: Keith and Jeff Thomson, and Edna O'Neill)
Good thinkin: Taking Michael Vick in the 3rd round could be a huge move in the right direction if he ever learns how to play QB. His raw talent has never translated that well to fantasy numbers, but as a 3rd round pick, the possible payoff can only be a positive.
What the?: Picking LenDale White in the 2nd round was definitely a stretch. At the moment, he is nothing more than a backup running back who's work ethic has been questioned. Not exactly the formula for rookie success.
Grade: The Wolves, still recovering from the Marshall Faulk and Kurt Warner fall from grace, had some work to do going into the draft, and had some work to do coming out of it. WR Roy Williams will help if he stays healthy, but QB Marc Bulger and RB LaMont Jordan have a big load to carry: C
Siberian Spittin Cobras (owner: Mike Thomson)
Good thinkin: Rookie RB Joseph Addai would have been highly sought after come round 2. But the Cobras snuck in there and took him in round one. With a team clearly moving towards a youth movement, this was a solid pick.
What the?: Brandon Lloyd has never been that good of a receiver, and his results as the number one option in San Francisco were less than great. Now he's the number two option for Mark Brunell in Washington, which basically confirms that taking him in the 4th round was a mistake.
Grade: Its hard to accurately grade a team that decided to draft for future rather than now. While overall, they accumulated some possible breakout players, few of them will have much of an impact this year, which doesn't bode well in fantasyland: C-
South Park Rangers (owner: Craig and Theresa Stahnke)
Good thinkin: The team that brought the house down with a Kevin Butler 2nd round selection a few years back, actually made some logical picks this time around. Taking DeShaun Foster in the 1st round should help solidify their previously non-existent running game, and they added some decent receivers into the mix (McCardell and Jurovicious).
What the?: They probably could have done more to address their running back situation. They waited till round 8 to take Brandon Jacobs, who remains their only backup to DeShaun Foster.
Grade: Overall, the Rangers gathered some solid players. Drafting a better RB would have given them a solid B+, but they'll have to settle for a...: B-
TFFL Expos (owner: P. Diddy)
Good thinkin: Trading their first round pick for Chad Johnson and getting Kurt Warner will help put the team nobody wants in a very desirable position: the TFFL playoffs. They were also lucky enough to have Kevin Jones fall to them in the second round. If he can live up to the hype and rebound from a disappointing sophomore season, things could get interesting for this team.
What the?: ...
Grade: The Expos came away from the 2006 Draft as the most improved team in the league. They had by far the most successful early rounds, and they closed well by getting the high scoring Bengals D: A+
Village Idiots (owner: Phil Stahnke)
Good thinkin: Trading their first round pick got them RB Rudi Johnson, who probably wouldn't have made it past pick #3 if he were actually in the draft. And if his touchdown rate goes the same direction as his yardage rate, Reuben Droughns could be a steal with their second round pick. But possibly the biggest steal of the draft was the selection of Laurence Mulroney in round 4, with Mulroney threatening to take the New England starting RB spot from Corey Dillon.
What the?: Taking WR Nate Burleson in the 5th round may have been a bit too high. He had a disappointing year last year and dealt with reocurring knee injuries for the entire season. He will also have to settle for being the #3 receiver for Seattle this year.
Grade: After a rough season, the Idiots are reloaded. A lot of their season rests on the recovery of QB Daunte Culpepper, but unlike last year, the strong supporting cast that was assembled through this years draft should lessen the load on the injury-prone QB: A
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