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Plummer jake dvds afc preview: year of the colts? |
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You’ve won NFL. You’ve broken me.
For years, the NFL has been trying to uncomfortably mash together sex and football, a pairing that makes about as much sense as ketchup and lemon meringue pie. Every television network shoves sex in my face like the third dude in a gangbang porno scene. He just barges his way in, elbowing everyone else and making them feel uncomfortable as he searches for an opening.
Think about it. Sexy sideline reporters patrol the sidelines despite the fact they know nothing about the sport; NFL Network airs “Making the Squad” marathons, a program following cheerleaders trying to earn a roster spot; Joe Namath sexually harassed Suzy Kolber on national television. It’s everywhere.
So fine. You win, NFL. I give you my 2006 NFL preview, chock full of sex, innuendo, and a handful of boner jokes (some involving erect penises, some involving Jake Plummer’s decision making). The following is a sexual-position by sexual-position breakdown of this year’s NFL landscape.
Body sex
Short on talent, these teams might as well stock their rosters with pimply-faced high schoolers as a tribute to the people most likely to resort to body sex. Sexually, satisfaction is stunted by four layers of clothing and the uncomfortable possibility that your parents could wander into the living room at any moment and catch you and your girlfriend “watching TV.” In football speak, years of poor salary cap management, brutal free agent signings, poor drafts, and a general hodgepodge of incompetence block the road to Pleasure Town (i.e. Miami, Florida). One unmistakable parallel can be drawn between the NFL’s cellar-dwellers and body sex: both end in a sticky mess in the crotch of the pants that nobody wants to clean up.
Teams likely to suffer a severe case of zipper burn: Detroit, Green Bay, New Orleans, San Francisco, New York Jets, Buffalo, Cleveland, Houston, Tennessee, Oakland
Random thoughts: Houston’s front office has to be legally retarded. Who passes on Reggie Bush? Bush might be the next Gale Sayers. It’s unbelievable they didn’t want to “overpay” him. Wouldn’t they make it up in merchandise and other revenues anyway? Unbelievable (as a side note, I can’t decide if Bush is rookie of the year material, but I will make this prediction: he’ll prove to be a lot better between the tackles than he gets credit for). *** By the way, New Orleans will be feisty this year. The Saints have enough on offence to give teams headaches. I also think the South will be the NFC’s toughest division. *** The Jets will also be pesky. Mangini will inject some life into them and if Pennington is healthy, he’s a top ten quarterback. That said, they’ll still suck. *** Favre should have retired. I hate to say it, but it would have been better for team (since it needs to move forward and develop Aaron Rogers) and it would have been better for him (since he’s going to get beat up this year. Oh, and the interceptions).
Missionary
Missionary sex can be broken into two categories. The first is solid, if unspectacular, sex. It’s alright but mostly uneventful. The second kind of missionary sex offers the potential for a big finish, like the woman’s legs behind her head, the man pleasuring the woman with multiple appendages at once, or a Super Bowl championship. Missionary teams are respectable, dependable, and might even make a push for the playoffs.
Teams likely to have regular, boring missionary sex: Washington, Philadelphia, Minnesota, Jacksonville, Kansas City
Teams that might have their ankles behind their heads come playoffs: Miami, Dallas, New York Giants, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis, San Diego
Random thoughts: I love Chris Simms. He’s a tough kid and is tough in the pocket. I see big things for him in the future. I think Tampa misses the playoffs though " the schedule is a nightmare (the Bucs play in a tough division already and drew the NFC East and AFC North, not to mention two cold-weather road games in December). *** Yes, Miami might actually win the Super Bowl. I won’t pick the Fish because it’s everybody’s chic pick, but they’ve got a great coach, a solid defence, a terrific young running back, and an MVP-calibre quarterback (by the way, didn’t Miami absolutely cheat Minnesota in the Culpepper deal? Who trades a franchise quarterback for a second round draft pick? If Houston and Minnesota’s staff got together, they’d manage to make the whole damn league fold by week three). *** Atlanta will lead the NFL in sacks. *** St. Louis will be very decent. The Rams are always competitive with Marc Bulger in the line up, and journeyman Gus Frerotte makes a nice stopgap when Bulger is banged up. The Rams have great receivers, a capable offensive line, and a young running back ready to bust out. The defence has question marks, but LeRoi Glover replaces a handful of underachieving tackles and Cory Chavous, Fakir Brown and Tye Hill are upgrades at corner. Most importantly, Mad Mike is gone, which should give the Rams 2-3 more wins this season if only because Martz won’t be around to slaughter the clock or call timeouts because he’s bored. *** Dallas’ defence will be top-five material this year. *** I’m not concerned about Phillip Rivers. Chad Pennington sat his first two years as well, and Rivers has better weapons to lean on in Gates and Tomlinson. *** I have wet dreams about Larry Johnson, but isn’t anyone else a little worried about KC’s offence? Willie Roaf retired and the rest of the o-line is aging. Trent Green could fall off at any point and the receivers are barely twice as good as Todd Pinkston. *** Every year I pick big things for the Vikings and they screw me over. Fuck you, Vikings. You’re not making the playoffs. *** The ‘D’ will be the only thing keeping the ’Skins competitive this year.
Doggie style
The sex is fantastic; there’s a great view, the pace is fast and furious, perhaps even a mirror is involved. But things might be a little too good and finish too quickly. Rug burn is also a distinct possibility.
Teams rocking doggie style are boom or bust picks. They might control their own destiny or have a few factors that are difficult to predict. Do they have enough staying power to make the switch to doggie style worth-while? Or will a plethora of question marks turn what could have been a porno-worthy performance into a five-minute letdown?
Teams that might want to rub one out before the stretch run: Arizona, New England, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Random thoughts: Only one team is coming out of the loaded AFC North. I’ve been hopping back and forth between Pittsburgh and Cincinnati all week. Cincinnati’s schedule is absolute hell, but I’m still taking the Bengals. It’s just a gut feeling. Carson Palmer has something to prove. *** I know it’s strange seeing the Patriots in this category, but where else can you put them? I know Tom Brady has staying power, but does the rest of the team? The Dolphins are going to give them a run this season; the AFC East champ will secure the crown with 10 wins. *** I don’t believe in the Cards yet.
Reverse cowgirl
Reverse cowgirl usually compensates for an obvious deficiency (e.g. saggy breasts, a heaving pot belly, Jake Plummer). It can be pleasurable, but it’s mostly smokes and mirrors, and by the end of things, you probably could have spent your time better.
Teams that might want to turn the lights off: Denver, Chicago
Random thoughts: I love that everyone thought Jake Plummer was a new man last year, cruising through the regular season while tossing just seven picks. “He’s got to break sometime,” I said week after week. Admittedly, it reached a point where I was beginning to doubt Plummer. Sure, the Broncos were protecting him and playing safe, but efficient is efficient, right? Maybe he wasn’t an idiot after all. But suddenly Plummer exploded in the AFC championship game with four turnovers. I’m sorry Jake. I’ll never doubt you again. *** I really wanted to knock Chicago down a few pegs this season. Yes, the defence is great and Lovie is a good coach, but the offence stinks worse than Louie Anderson’s crotch after a four-mile jog. Regardless, Chicago will repeat its division title because its schedule is easier than the chubby girl wearing a cowboy hat at the bar.
Cowgirl
No glaring weaknesses here. Everyone enjoys the view, there’s tons of staying power, an excellent chance of climax, and different paces are available. This is the crème-de-la-crème of sexual positions; these are the real Super Bowl contenders.
Teams most likely to orgasm February 4, 2007: Indianapolis, Carolina, Seattle
Random thoughts: What’s not to like about Carolina? Quarterback who elevates his play/gets stupidly lucky with the game on the line? Check. Running game? Check? Ferocious pass rush? Check. Secondary that could be dominant? Check. Money kicker and smart head coach? Check. The only thing that will get in Carolina’s way is tough divisional match ups. The Panthers could be worn out by the playoffs *** I can’t tell if the Seahawks get too much or too little credit. It’s tough to gauge them in the second-tier NFC. Either way, I don’t know if they’re mentally prepared for a Super Bowl run. All they did in the off-season was bitch abut the Super Bowl officiating. Suck it up and save your gas for 2006, Seattle. *** Indianapolis is treading dangerous territory. Ottawa Senators territory. How much more could you possibly add to this team to make it better? What parts are left to blame (although I’m sure if you ask a certain quarterback, he could find lots of people to blame before he looked in a mirror)? Does this team really have a mental block that won’t let it get over the hump? It’s looking more and more the case every year. I think the solution is this simple: Peyton Manning has to play better in the playoffs. Period. Sure, he’s put up some Ok numbers and he didn’t kill them last season. But he needs to dominate some postseason games. The great ones do. Maybe it’s unfair to keep comparing Peyton to Tom Brady. I don’t think so. Both have had great talent around them. But one of them lifted his game several notches for the big games. He’s the one with three rings and two Super Bowl MVP awards. Manning has never won a title in high school, university, or professional football. On every level he was considered one of the best " if not the best " and he always played on great, talented teams. But every one of those championship-less teams had one thing in common: Peyton Manning. He needs to be the difference maker this season.
2006 NFL picks
NFC East: 1. Dallas, 2. New York Giants, 3. Philadelphia, 4. Washington Wildcards: St. Louis, New York Giants
AFC East: 1. New England, 2. Miami, 3. Buffalo, 4. New York Jets Wildcards: Miami, San Diego
Super Bowl: CAROLINA over INDIANAPOLIS We interrupt our regularly scheduled "Castro is dead" and "Israel vs. Hezbollah" posts to bring you something of TRUE importance: the NFL! Today, we will look at the AFC: AFC East: 1. Dolphins** 2. Patriots* 3. Bills 4. Jets The Dolphins finished strong last year, winning their last six games. The addition of Daunte Culpepper can only make them better. Good enough to win the division? Perhaps, but never count the Patriots out. They do more with less better than anyone. Did I mention the Bills and Jets also play in this division? I use the word "play" loosely. They "show up for games" is probably a better description. AFC North: 1. Bengals** 2. Ravens 3. Steelers 4. Browns Sorry Steeler fans, but the Bengals win this one again. While Marvin Lewis is doing his best to channel Al Davis by doing more scouting at police stations than colleges, even the team's legal problems cannot bring these Bengals down. They are the class of the AFC North, even if they have too many players with no class. Even though I have the Ravens in second place, don't be fooled: They are a .500 team. They will be better with Steve McNair and Derrick Mason together again, but this team is OLD! They will not be in the playoffs unless they get lucky. The Steelers drop to third place because the retirement of Jerome Bettis legitimately hurts them. Duce Staley is no "Bus". Losing Antwaan Randle El does not help either. They will also be around a .500 team. I mostly like what the Browns have done, but their season depends on how successful quarterback Charlie Frye is. If Frye is going to be the franchise QB they need, he will have to show a lot more this year. Expect the Browns to start slowly and pick up steam as the season moves along, finishing with 6-7 wins. AFC South: 1. Colts** 2. Jaguars 3. Texans 4. Titans Can the Colts be just as successful without Edgerrin James? No, but they will be successful enough. Between Dominic Rhodes and rookie Joseph Addai, they should be able to put together enough of a running game to keep defenses honest. Expect them to get 10-12 wins. The Jaguars are a solid team, but not exceptional. They have talent, but can their talent stay healthy? RB "Fragile" Fred Taylor is getting old. QB Byron Leftwich tries to play through his pain, but his problem centers on his immobility, which leads to him getting hurt much too often. Don't expect another 12 win season like last year, but they MIGHT still make the playoffs IF they stay healthy. The enigma in this division is the Texans. Are they really as bad as they played last year? My gut feeling is that new coach Gary Kubiak will get them playing up to their potential. Just how much potential remains to be seen. The Titans made all the right moves in the draft this year, picking up QB Vince Young and RB LenDale White. However, this is still a rebuilding year for the Titans. AFC West: 1. Broncos** 2. Chargers* 3. Chiefs 4. Raiders This division is the cream of the AFC's crop. Any of the top three teams could win the division, but at least two of them should make the playoffs. The Broncos are certainly no worse than last year. Losing RB Mike Anderson will not hurt, as they have Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne as one of the deepest running tandems in the NFL. QB Jake Plummer might feel a little pressure from rookie Jay Cutler, but don't expect to see Cutler this year. The man to watch on the Chargers will be QB Phil Rivers. Don't be surprised if he rocks the NFL in his first season as starter. The Chargers knew what they were doing when they got rid of Drew Brees. I put the Chiefs in third place because I am not sold on head coach Herm Edwards. Add in the Chiefs' swiss cheese defense, and there will be some rebuilding going on in Kansas City. On the plus side, RB Larry Johnson will keep this team competitive. They should get 7-9 wins. Last is my favorite team, the Raiders. I love the Raiders. I liked the hiring of Art Shell. I didn't like the addition of QB Aaron Brooks. While he might do a little better with the Raiders than he did with the Saints, don't be fooled. He is a loser. On the bright side, they might get the first pick in the draft next year. MY PREDICTION FOR THE AFC: The Colts have the horses to get there, but the double whammy jinxes of Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning will keep them out of the Super Bowl. If QB Carson Palmer returns to last year's form, the Bengals rule the AFC. **- projected division winner *-projected wild card team Technorati Tags: |
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