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If Frankie Says Relax, Who Am I To Argue?
Just like Kornheiser and Wilbon, I'm taking the week off. Unlike the PTI hosts, however, I won't subject you to the incoherent ramblings of Dan LeBetard and the jolly ignorance of Jason Whitlock. Because, I, Cladius, care about you, the reader, much too much for that.
Instead, here's a look back at some posts from the past year that people seemed to like for some reason. Today we're hopping in the DeLorean and setting the date for December 2, 2005, the day I picked the week 13 games in the NFL. I should mention that this seemingly routine entry was chosen for two very special reasons: 1) The Skins-Rams pick contains my favorite newspaper excerpt of all time and... No, there was only one reason.
NFL Picks: Week 13
Atlanta at Carolina
If Atlanta loses this game, their playoff chances could go up in flames. Luckily, Michael Vick knows all about how to deal with burning sensations.
Pick: Carolina
Green Bay at Chicago
If Brett Favre can lead the Packers to victory this Sunday at Soldier Field, it will be his 13th victory in 14 trips to the Windy City. When told that Favre was challenging her reign as the ruler of Chicago, Oprah promptly put out a hit on him.
Pick: Chicago
Houston at Baltimore
I never make Oprah jokes for fear of her wrath, which I imagine involves her sending Stedman to put a car bomb in my ride so the next time I stick the key in the ignition I blow up Casino-style. But since Oprah and Dave kissed and made up last night, I figure Oprah needs a new enemy. And a guy who writes a blog that gets 250 hits a day is probably just what she’s looking for.
Pick: Baltimore
Minnesota at Detroit
Matt Millen must either have
a) pictures of William Clay Ford on the Vikings sex cruise
or
b) a patent for a flying car that he’s threatening to take to Toyota if Ford ever fires him.
These are the only two possible explanations for Millen still having a job. The only two.
Pick: Detroit
Jacksonville at Cleveland
Is it just me, or does this seem like the third consecutive week the Jags are playing the Browns?
Pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
If Chad Johnson’s much-anticipated touchdown celebration is anything other than him putting on a Troy Polamalu wig and playing the rest of the game with it streaming out from underneath his helmet, I’m going to be very disappointed.
Pick: Cincinnati
Tennessee at Indianapolis
About midway through the Duke-Indiana game earlier this week, I commented about how J.J. Redick didn’t seem to be doing as much crowd-taunting and showboating as he usually does. I couldn’t figure out why. Then, at the start of the second half, ESPN showed Edgerrin James sitting in the crowd with one of his boys, in all their ghettofied, gold-toothed glory, and suddenly everything made sense. It also explained why J.J. Redick had a round wet-spot on his drawers after he hit his first three.
Pick: Indianapolis
Buffalo at Miami
One quick thought about the Colts run at a perfect season: Everyone seems to be assuming the quest ends if Indy finishes 16-0, forgetting that it takes 19 wins to get to a perfect season. So the Colts aren’t five games away from perfection, they’re eight, a half-season.
A 16-0 record is worthless if you don’t win the Super Bowl. Think of it this way; if the Colts go 16-0 and don't win the Super Bowl, people will call it the greatest choke-job of all-time. Tony Dungy seems to realize this, and it’s why he’s said he won’t play his starters much in the final regular season game if the team is 15-0 at the time. (It will be interesting to see if he buckles under the pressure and plays his guys if that scenario should unfold. Dungy doesn’t seem to be that kind of guy, though.)
Ask any player or coach in the league which feat they’d rather accomplish " finishing 16-0 and losing in the playoffs or finishing 8-8 and winning the Super Bowl " and 100% would choose the latter. A perfect season is nice; winning the Super Bowl is the reason you play the game.
In reality, a loss is the best thing that can happen to the Colts in the next five weeks. It will take a good bit of pressure off headed into the playoffs, where the weight of a possible perfect season, in addition to the standard “can Peyton win in January” questions, would be quite intense. Still, this will all become a moot point when Indy loses before week 17 anyway.
Pick: Miami
Dallas at New York Giants
Yesterday, while in line at the grocery store I helped an old lady pick up the dog food she had under her cart. After thanking me profusely, she dug in her purse and gave me a $20 Starbucks gift card she said she wouldn’t use because she doesn’t drink coffee. Then, I went to get some hot & sour soup from the nearby Chinese restaurant and my man inside told me it was on the house. Later that night, I won $70 playing poker and on the drive home hit every single green light from D.C. to Bethesda. And about five minutes ago, while perusing the slim beverage offerings in my refrigerator (expired milk and nearly-expired half-and-half), I remembered that I had perspicaciously hidden a Diet Mountain Dew in the vegetable crisper about two weeks ago for just such an occasion.
Still, the highlight of my day was hearing Tiki Barber refer to his quarterback as Elisha during “Five Good Minutes” on PTI.
Pick: New York Giants
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Awesome facts about Ed Hochuli I learned from his appearance on the NFL Network’s fantastic Six Days to Sunday: His nickname is “Big Guns”, he shaves his arms and legs, his boss, NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira, is a moron and referee apologist, Hochuli loves it when the players talk about his massive forearms, Hochuli’s family enjoys Thanksgiving dinner with fellow ref Mike Carey and, finally, there’s a chance Hochuli’s forearms could do for world hunger what Jake Plummer’s mustache did for rising gas prices.
Pick: New Orleans
Denver at Kansas City
Who do you think would win in a fight between Ed Hochuli’s forearms and Jake Plummer’s mustache? The ‘stache would be the Inigo Montaya of the battle; smooth-talking, deceptive and quick, while Hochuli’s guns would have the raw strength of an Andre the Giant. Even though the forearms would be the prohibitive favorite, Plummer’s upper-lip hair would likely win because it’d have no scruples about fighting dirty and breaking out a pair of brass knuckles or razor blade. Hochuli’s guns are just too damn classy for that. Of course, both would lose to the man in black anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing Jerry Glanville is retired.
Pick: Kansas City
New York Jets at New England
This week, Tom Brady (right) tried to get his mind off his four interception performance by taking the Titanic out for a late-night jaunt in the Boston Harbor.
Pick: New England
Arizona at San Francisco
Initially the NFL wanted to play both Cardinals/49ers games in Mexico City this season, but that plan was nixed when it was discovered a second international contest between these two miserable teams would somehow violate 18 provisions of the NAFTA agreement.
Pick: Arizona
Washington at St. Louis
To prepare for playing against Washington cornerback Walt Harris, Rams rookie QB Ryan Fitzpatrick went back to Harvard and played a flag football game against the chess club.
(I'm finding it hard not to like Fitzpatrick, especially with quotes like this from today's Redskins Notebook in The Washington Post:Teammates expect me to know every answer to every question. During training camp, some guys were in a big, heated discussion, so I walked over to see what they were talking about. They said, 'Fitz, you can answer this question, you're from Harvard.' I said, 'Okay, maybe it's some trivial question, some history, something.' They said, 'What do you think would hurt more, getting hit in the face by the trunk of an elephant or being kicked in the face by a donkey?'I don't know what's funnier. The fact that NFL players were discussing what sort of animal contact would be more painful or that they thought those were the sort of questions being discussed within the hallowed ivy-covered walls of Harvard. And, clearly, getting kicked by a donkey would hurt a lot more.)
Pick: Washington
Oakland at San Diego
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss;
Todd Heap has more catches than Randy Moss.
Pick: San Diego
Last Week: 13-3
Season: 124-52
on this great and awesome day, the begining of preseason monday night football, i suppose it's time for the obligatory algorithmic explanation of whom i cheer for and why.
first and foremost: the denver broncos. having been a fan of all things colorado since i did a report on that great state in fourth grade, this is a no-brainer. and jake plummer? mmm-mmmm.
second: seattle seahawks. location, location, location.
and i will go for green bay because, dammit, there's just something so likeable about brett favre. it isn't his legendary mnf game when his dad died"although, damn"; it's his all-out honesty. the guy says what he thinks and the press idiots jump on it like he's just lit some cracker in a barrel, but we all know it's just brett favre being honest. you've gotta admire that he hasn't sunk to the shaquesque, i'm-so-blown-up-on-steroids-that-my-brain-has-ceased-to-function level:
interviewer: shaq, what did you think of the knicks' defense?
shaq: yeah, we go out there and give one hundred and ten percent. i think we played pretty good. we tried to play pretty good. i think we played pretty good.
anyway. from there, the process gets more complicated. here's the breakdown:
west over east. i'm a west-coast girl and proud of it.
north over south. can't stand southern weather or their manners"that goes for l.a. the way it goes for alabama. and games in the snow are hardcore, the way football oughtta be (unlike those pantywaist, crying-for-mama baseball players who may as well all bunk up in florida with their down comforters and parkas).
if there's still a tie-breaker, i'll take afc over nfc. just for fun.
exceptions: i'll root for any team over oakland, and i reserve the right to adjust my preferences based on the good looks of a quarterback.
(sorry, husband.)
and for now, huzzah. the season has begun.
Denver Broncos Schedule
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