Jake Plummer Scout Report

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With the pre-season schedule now under way, the Kibitzer takes its first look at the strength of NFL teams.

NFL ELITE

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
Defending champs may struggle, but until they do the top spot belongs to them.
2. New England Patriots
NFL's best QB and best head coach can't be over-looked.
3. Seattle Seahawks
Will dominate a weak NFC West and an even weaker schedule.

DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS

4. Carolina Panthers
A great defense plus a good offense equals SB contenders.
5. Chicago Bears
Could be #1 seed with the weak schedule they face.
6. Washington Redskins
Will run away with the NFL's deepest division.

CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE

7. Indianapolis Colts
Like Dan Marino, Peyton Manning will probably never win a Super Bowl.
8. Denver Broncos
Jake Plummer definitely won't.

THEY'VE WON IT ALL IN THE PAST WHEN NOBODY EXPECTED IT

9. Baltimore Ravens
McNair will be the franchise's first star QB and will take pressure off the stud defense.
10. Tampa Bay Bucs
Gruden knows how to get a team to overachieve.

IF THEY ONLY HAD SOME D

11. Kansas City Chiefs
Look for a big rebound from a disappointing season on the legs of Larry Johnson.
12. NY Giants
If he outplays Danieal, Eli will be the best Manning in the NFL.
13. Arizona Cardinals
New stadium will revitalize franchise, having Edgerrin James will help even more.
14. Cincinnati Bengals
Tougher schedule will lead to disappointing season.

THE OWENS FACTOR

15. Philadelphia Eagles
Addition by Subtraction, look for the Eagles to make a strong push for the playoffs.
16. Dallas Cowboys
Look for Bledsoe to give Owens a strong punch to the mouth.

THE STORY OF OVER RATED QBs

17. San Diego Chargers
Rivers is no Brees.
18. Minnesota Vikings
Culpepper won't be missed.
19. Miami Dolphins
He won't help either.
20. Atlanta Falcons
Vick is NFL's most over-rated player.

WINDOW IS CLOSING FAST

21. Jacksonville Jaguars
O-line needs to step up or it will be a long season.
22. St. Louis Rams
Still suffering from Lovie's departure.
23. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders have Randy Moss and ummm.....

UP AND COMMING

24. Detroit Lions
Look for them to challenge the Bears in 2007.
25. New Orleans Saints
Having a stable home will help improve things, so will getting rid of Aaron Brooks.
26. San Francisco 49ers
One more year of rebuilding to look forward to in SF.

BATTLE FOR BRADY QUINN

27. NY Jets
Here's hoping we won't ever have to see Brooks Bolinger again.
28. Cleveland Browns
The NFL's version of the Cubs.
29. Buffalo Bills
Grampa Simpson...umm I mean... Marv Levy is in way over his head.
30. Tennessee Titans
I could play QB for the Titans.

ARMPITS OF THE NFL

31. Green Bay Packers
Is it wrong that we here at the Kibitzer take joy in Farve's suffering?
32. Houston Texans
They will pay the just price for taking the cheap way out of the draft.

Aboard airplanes*Draped around the neck and shoulders of a Heavy Metal babe.Wrapped around the bicep of a tough guy (Tattoo form only).In a glass enclosed tank in the bedroom of some dude that is way into snakes.On a bus filled with experts on snake hunting, snake charming or antivenom.Aboard a sinking cruise ship in which anthrax, botulinum and sarin were just released.In my trousers.

* Only if the snake in question is NFL quarterback Jake "The Snake" Plummer.

Tags: Snakes On A Plane, Snakes, Heavy Metal Babes, Tough Guys With Tattoos, Dudes That Have Snakes In Glass Tanks In Their Bedrooms, Anthrax, Venom, Jake Plummer