Jake Plummer Bootlegs

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As some of you know, I occassionally contribute to a sports site called The Hater Nation. Guests at my dinner parties know this as Hater's checks can frequently be seen bouncing all over my home.

As readers at THN will tell you, my sports calls are never wrong. If The Bain says something's going to happen, it happens. Don't believe me? Go over to THN and talk to fans of the USC Trojans and UCLA Bruins. That is, if you can find one who's not swinging from a shower curtain rod

So what exactly am I leading up to here? Well, The Bain has a call to drop. And dropping this call gives me satisfaction I haven't felt since my backstage pass on the set of Facts Of Life was revoked.

The Denver Broncos aren't going to win the Super Bowl this year. Cut it. Print it. Wrap it. I'll even go one farther: no team with Jake Plummer as its starting quarterback going into the playoffs will ever -- ever -- win the Super Bowl.

If you own a Plummer jersey, now's the time to get it on Ebay. Either that or have the "Plummer" removed and replaced with "Van Pelt."

I was right on in my baseball preview, probably the only expert to predict the Tigers as the best team in MLB, so my NFL preview has been much anticipated. Well, seeing as we're less than 18 hours until kickoff, here are my NFL Picks.

AFC-We'll start with the boring conference.

AFC WEST
Chargers 11-5: They should have made the playoffs last year if not for a brutal schedule. This year they get TN, SF, BUFF, and CLE. Philip Rivers will be fine and they will get a first round bye.
Broncos 10-6: Every year they are favored to win the division and possibly go to the Super Bowl. Their quarterback is Jake Plummer. Their best wideout barely has a knee. Their second best wideout is 78 years old. They'll be leaning on the D to finish this high.
Chiefs 9-7: I worry about the loss of Willie Roaf on that line. Don't fool yourself, their O-line is why they could always run the ball, not the backs. I always thought Herm Edwards was a good coach, now we'll see if I was right or all the dumb Jets fans were right.
Raiders 3-13: Aaron Brooks is terrible, you heard it here first. Art Shell got fired for a reason, he couldn't get to the Super Bowl with the greatest Tecmo Bowl team ever (if only they had Christian Okoye)

AFC SOUTH
Colts 13-3: The same as last year but without Edge. RBs can be replaced. I don't care how many "Top 5 Reasons you Can't Blame Peyton Manning for Never Winning the Big Game" but this guy seriously never wins the big game.
Jaquars 10-6: A solid team that will win a bunch of games in the last seconds, as usual. It will be interesting to see if Leftwich steps up or if Gerrard takes his job.
Texans 5-11: They were a trendy pick last year, but that lasted as long as snap bracelets. I think they'll be better this year, but not as good as they would have been if they had Reggie Bush. Oh well, at least they have Dominick Dav.......oh shit.
Titans 4-12: Jeff Fischer is the man. I feel like if he was on a gold mining trip in Alaska he would be awesome, but when you have the worst QB in the NFL you won't strike it rich. Kerry Collins is really bad.

AFC NORTH
Bengals 12-4: They are good. I love big Sam Adams clogging up the middle for an improving defense.
Steelers 9-7: Seems like too much is going wrong. Very Eagles-esque from last year, Hopefully they can overcome all the bad offseason karma.
Ravens 8-8: They are the definition of a mediocre team. A burned out QB, a defense that is very good but not dominant enough. Remember when they won a SB with Qudry Ismael as their best WR?
Browns4-12: Poor, poor Romeo Crennel. He looks like a great coach just holding this mess together. Losing LaCharles and the #2 center is a big blow. Hopefully they get a mature performance from Charlie Frye and great leadership from Willie McGinest.

AFC EAST
Patriots 12-4: Did they outsmart themselves in their latest veteran purge? Losing Vinitieri, McGinest and Branch could be too much, but I'll believe in Brady and Coach Hoodie until further notice.
Dolphins 11-5: An easy schedule will guarantee them a good season. How does Nick Saban do an awesome job in the NFL and other college guys fail miserably?
NY Jets 4-12: Ugh...the most boring team in the NFL. Watching their offense will be worse than sitting through the drivel that is Grey's Anatomy and that girl who never changes her facial expression.
Buffalo Bills 4-12: Really? Dick Jauron? Would he even be in the NFL if the Bears didn't have that lucky season a few years ago where Mike Brown won 7 games in overtime?

DIVISION WINNERS: Chargers, Colts, Bengals, Patriots WILD CARD: Jaguars, Dolphins

AFC Championship: Chargers v. Jaguars: I love the Chargers offense and opportunistic defense. The Jags will have a suffocating defense and a mistake free offense.

AFC Champion: Chargers. Yes, they are coached by the venerable Marty Schottenheimer, but I think this is their year. They had some really bad luck last year, and even though Rivers is a new QB he's experienced in the system which should make him comfortable enough to win.

By the way, isn't it weird how awesome defensive coordinators go to teams to be head coaches and they have great defenses and terrible defenses? (Dungy, Lewis etc.) And the opposite happens also (Billick) How does this happen?

The NFC Tomorrow