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John Elway Super Bowls, former-players |  |
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John elway super bowls nos. 80 through 89 — 2006 college football preseason rankings |
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Well, too bad because football season has started, and the crap that comes along with it is here too! Don’t get me wrong; I love me some football. However, there are a few things I hate about football. Let’s discuss, shall we? Why is it the big sponsors come up with the dumbest ad campaigns for football? Last year they started out with the stupid Coors Light Silver Bullet Love Train commercial. This ad was based on the first game of the season between the Raiders and the Patriots. The scenario: hot, baby - we need something to cool us off! Hey - here comes a train with beer on it and it’s got a snow storm behind it! I’m so excited I could high-five this Raider fan! Oh, no, wait - can’t do that! The best part is, they ran this commercial well into December. Not sure I want to cool down in Foxboro in December. Maybe then the Raider fan and Patriot fan can snuggle up under a blanket with some nice warm cocoa? Then Diet Pepsi designed a campaign around a soda machine getting drafted and playing receiver for the Patriots. (Let me just insert right here, I am SO glad the Broncos didn’t win the Super Bowl last year. Have fun Steelers fans!) The machine was catching passes, smacking players on the butt with a towel, getting the fans to chant his name... "Machine’s got great hands!" "What hands?" HAHAHA - Kill me!!! The announcers are complete idiots too - all of them from the studio to the sidelines. Stupid sideline reporters! Do these people add ANYTHING to the game? And it’s not just the women - Armen Keteyian is an idiot too! By the way, NOBODY is named Armen Keteyian! But these people try to get info out of coaches before and after half-time and the coaches must HATE it! "Leslie, tell us what Coach Shanahan had to say about his team coming into the second half." "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan said that since his team is down, they need to score. Also, their defense has to play better and keep the other team out of the end zone. Back to you." What a revelation! I want to know what Coach Shanahan REALLY told Leslie! "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan told me I look absolutely ridiculous in this hat and I should go back to watering plants in mental institutions. Back to you. Oh, and he told me my mouth is so big that it could provide section 8 housing for a family of seven and they would still have room for their 1984 Dodge Caravan with the peeling paint. Now back to you." While I’m on the sideline reporter thing, I heard this during the college bowl games last year: "Tell us what you know about Anderson’s groin, would ya Suzy?" Um, I don’t think I want to know what Suzy knows about Anderson’s groin! The color commentators are complete morons as well. Dan Dierdorf is convinced that as soon as any player does something right he’s the "best player in the league at that position." "Do you see how the guard pulled and laid this block on the linebacker? That is very difficult for a guy his size and that is why he’s one of the best interior linemen in the league!" OK, then two plays later the same guy gets beat by a defensive tackle and his QB gets leveled. Oh wait - "This little sweep move by the defensive tackle here gave him a free shot at the quarterback. Moves like that make this guy the best defensive lineman in the NFL today." Guh! It’s not like John Madden is any better. The whole BAM-POW crap is over and done. Now he’s analyzing nothing plays on his telestrator like something great just happened. "See this guard here? He’s going to-BAM-move straight ahead. And this tackle here is gonna-POW-plow forward too. Then the running back will-BANG-follow behind them and pick up a yard." Um, so? Go back to your bus, eat a 4-legged turkey and shut the hell up! Don’t get me started on the play-by-play guys. I know there are MANY teams in the league, but these guys have no clue what’s going on and they are always missing player’s names, etc. And Dick Enberg feels the need to pull ridiculous facts about players from thin air as he’s making calls. "And the former 3rd place finisher in the 1992 12 and under tri-county chess tournament in Orlando Florida can now add a tipped pass to his resume - oh my!" WTF? "It’s a touchdown for a guy who grew up raking sand for the pro beach volleyball tour." SHUDDAP! Then, when they send you to the studio for halftime highlights, Terry Bradshaw goes out and makes a complete ass out of himself. Actually, he doesn’t need to try to hard to do that. But you MUST listen to Shannon Sharpe do highlights - it’s AWESOME! In fact, because I love you, I have a quick 3-step lesson on how to impersonate Shannon Sharpe. Ready? 1) Use the Eddie Murphy dumb black guy voice. The slow, deep voice with the slight lisp. 2) Over annunciate every word with your mouth. You have to move and flap your lips a lot. 3) Speed it up! (If you need an audio demonstration, give me a call!) The showboating in football really bugs me too. Why can’t all players be professionals like Rod Smith? The guy scores a touchdown, turns around, tosses the ball to the referee, and then jogs off the field. Most of these guys dance and celebrate over nothing! A team can be down by 30 points with 4 minutes left in the game and some defensive back will make a tackle and then start celebrating. Hey, YOU’RE LOSING BY 30! Maybe if you made that tackle in the first half, this game would be a little closer and you’d have a reason to celebrate. Besides, all you did was your job. You are being paid to tackle, and now that you’ve actually accomplished your task, you feel the need to dance and act like a buffoon? What if this type of behavior spilled over into the business world? Every time a receptionist transferred a call, they’d have to go roar back at the phone, get down on one knee, and pound their chest with 2 fingers and point to the sky. Speaking of this action, has EVERY NFL player lost someone to a tragedy? How many dead buddies do they really have, or are they just paying tribute to ol’ grandmamma? All I know is the next time I complete anything for my boss, I’ll enter his office bobbing my head and I’ll throw whatever on his desk and exclaim, "Yeah, you TRIED!" Then maybe I’ll do a little shoveling action before I walk out. OK, if that isn’t enough to get you ready for some football, maybe this little Broncos video will help:
Previous installations: 90-99 | 100-109 | 110-119 This post contains some strong language, so be sure to hide the women and children. Alabama - Birmingham Blazers (Watson Brown; 5-6, 3-5 CUSA East)Watson Brown is, for those not in the know, Texas head coach Mack Brown's older brother. This is his 12th season at UAB, and while things haven't been spectacular (his overall record at the school is just 59-65), there have been a handful of winning seasons and a bowl game in 2004. And like his baby brother, Brown has to replace a star quarterback. Darrell Hackney tallied 9,886 yards and 71 TDs in his career, and guided the Blazers to the top of the league in yards per play last year. There's a lot of returning depth and tons of senior leadership, but if the QB situation doesn't solidify (there are three guys competing for the position), things could get tough.Wyoming Cowboys (Joe Glenn; 4-7, 2-6 Mountain West)It's back to the drawing board for the Boys from Laramie. After a breakout 2004 season, in which Wyoming upset UCLA in the Las Vegas Bowl, the team regressed back to a more typical level of production. Only six starters return this year, though, so it's probably going to be more of the same. The running game and the linebackers are solid, but pretty much everything else needs to be replaced, including the kicking game.Illinois Fighting Illini (Ron Zook; 2-9, 0-8 Big 10)20 starters return from the 2005 team, but these were the same guys who played on a team that was at the bottom of the league in pretty much every statistical category known to mankind. The 2001 conference-championship season was a long time ago, and there's nowhere to go but up. That having been said, the Illini only have one winnable conference game on the schedule, and even that's a bit of a stretch.Mississippi State Bulldogs (Sylvester Croom; 3-8, 1-7 SEC West)The first-ever black head coach in the SEC definitely could have picked a better school at which to break new racial ground. The Bulldogs aren't talented, but they are schizophrenic. In 2003, Croom's first season, they were embarrassed at home by D-IAA mid-packer Maine (by the even-more-embarrassing score of 9-7), then turned around and beat Florida a few weeks later. Finishing last season by coddling an equally crappy Ole Miss team in the Egg Bowl could be a sign of things to come, or it could just be a sign that major-conference football in the Magnolia State is a thing of the past. Given how brutal the West division is this year, it's probably the latter, at least for the forseeable future.Bowling Green Falcons (Gregg Brandon; 6-5, 5-3 MAC East)No more Josh Harris, no more Omar Jacobs. QB Anthony Turner got some playing time while Jacobs was injured last season, and the offensive line is one of the best in the conference. The receivers and backs are all going to be first-time starters, though. The defense has a few experienced players, but it must improve dramatically if the Falcons want to win the division.Vanderbilt Commodores (Bobby Johnson; 5-6, 3-5 SEC East)When my poor, hapless Commodores squeaked past Tennessee for the first time in 23 years, I wanted to throw things. Not out of celebration, but out of disappointment. After opening the season 4-0 for the first time since World War II, Vandy shit the bed at home against MTSU then was cheated out of an overtime win over Florida in Gainesville when a flag-happy referee called a criminally bogus celebration penalty on all-SEC WR Earl Bennett after an OT score. Cutler was setting up to go for a 2-point conversion and a gutsy win, but the 15-yard penalty forced a PAT kick instead. He then threw away the game with an interception in the second extra period. And as if that weren't enough, a pathetic Kentucky team came into Vanderbilt Stadium and ran their way to a 48-43 win, knocking the 'Dores out of bowl contention in the process. What could have been â€" should have been â€" an 8-3 season followed by a bowl game just wound up extending the 24-year losing-season streak that we all know and love. Going into Knoxville and ending the season with a win (on a last-minute scoring drive, no less) should have been an indescribably triumphant moment for long-suffering Vandy fans like me, but it just wound up leaving a bitter taste in our mouths. The worst news is that this was the best Vanderbilt team since that 1982 season, and its best player (QB Jay Cutler) is now playing for the Broncos.East Carolina Pirates (Skip Holtz; 5-6, 4-4 CUSA East)Skip Holtz, the son of legendary coach Lou Holtz, brought a three-game improvement with him when he came to Greenville. Pirates fans are hoping that the "like father, like son" rule holds true, since Daddy Holtz took each of the six teams he coached in his hall-of-fame career to a bowl game by his second season. The skill players on offense are all-league caliber, but ECU must rebuild the offensive line, and they must show some marked improvement defensively if they're going to break into the upper echelon of CUSA East.Indiana Hoosiers (Terry Hoeppner; 4-7, 1-7 Big 10)At one point early last season, Baylor, Indiana, Vanderbilt and Kansas were all 3-0 at the same time. In the 140-year history of organized college football, that had never happened before. It collapsed almost immediately, of course, but it still happened. While the Hoos were the worst in the league in total offense, they did feature the conference's leading receiver, a 6'7", 216 lb. beast by the name of James Hardy. His relatively low (but still good for 25th in the nation) 89.3 yards per game average is a testament to just how run-oriented the Big 10 is. The defense, on the other hand, is empty and wasn't that good to begin with. The secondary is OK, but the front seven are going to be dangerously inexperienced. Hoeppner has generated tons of excitement off the field, though, and home-game attendance has jumped 39%, including a 110% increase among IU students.Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (Jack Bicknell; 7-4, 6-2 WAC)Here's another team I always forget about. Tech must replace the strongest parts of its team, both offensively and defensively. The QB and a three-time all-WAC guard have graduated, and the defense loses nine starters from a team that was fifth in the nation in turnover margin and third in the WAC in total defense. A tough 13-game schedule (the extra game granted because they play at Hawaii) won't help matters.Kentucky Wildcats (Rich Brooks; 3-8, 2-6 SEC East)As I once said to a Kentucky-fan acquaintance who now admires my directness, "Fuck Kentucky. I hate Kentucky." That was in a basketball context, but it applies equally well to football, especially after this past season (see above). The Wildcats have suffered 31 offseason injuries that required surgery, and half the projected starters didn't even participate in spring drills. That could lead either to greater competitiveness or a complete collapse. Naturally, I'm hoping for the latter. |
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