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A brand new football season is once again upon us. The Steelers look to defend their title, and the other 31 teams try to take it from them. Well, 30 teams actually. As usual, the Bills' main goals for the season are to have a quarterback controversy and fire their coach. The point is, the NFL season can be a wild and crazy thing, and that's why I'm here to fill you in on how the season will unfold.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
Hoping to limit the loss of Jerome Bettis' locker room presence, the Steelers have asked backup running back Patrick Cobbs to gain 60 pounds, grow a beard, and walk around the sideline talking about bowling and Detroit.
Pick: 13-3
Cincinnati Bengals
Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman says the worst part of being suspended for violating the substance abuse policy is constantly getting phone calls from Jose Canseco wanting to know everything about his drug regimen.
Pick: 10-6
Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens are already very pleased with the way Steve McNair has been a mentor to Kyle Boller. Ravens coaches say that Boller's tackling after interceptions is light years ahead of where it was last year.
Pick: 6-10
Cleveland Browns
If Kameron Wimbley makes it to week 4 without going on injured reserve he will be the most successful first round draft pick in the history of the new Cleveland Browns.
Pick: 6-10
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts
There is still no proof the Colts pump in sound to make the RCA dome louder, but last month the team invited fans to the stadium for "free money'", told everyone inside to yell as loud as they could, and then sent everyone home because of electrical problems.
Pick: 12-4
Jacksonville Jaguars
It's crucial that the Jaguars offensive line stay healthy because in addition to blocking, they'll likely have to carry an injured Byron Leftwich around the field the last six weeks of the season.
Pick: 9-7
Houston Texans
I'm not saying that the Texans offensive line in bad, but David Car needs protection more than Paris Hilton's new boyfriend.
Pick: 6-10
Tennessee Titans
Rookie QB Vince Young likes to taunt fellow Rookie Lendale White buy placing his Texas National Championship ring in a donut, tying the donut to a string, and dangling it in front of White's face.
Pick: 5-11
AFC East
New England Patriots
This summer Bill Belichick once again showed his genius by using the poor play of the Red Sox to skillfully distract fans from the fact that the Patriots have a terrible secondary.
Pick: 10-6
Miami Dolphins
One of Ricky Williams' favorite things about playing in the CFL is that now when he recreates his favorite scene from the movie "Dazed and Confused", he smokes a joint on the 55 yard line instead of the 50.
Pick: 10-6
New York Jets
In order to take pressure off Chad Pennington's shoulder, Jets rookies will now be required to brush his teeth and help him get dressed.
Pick: 4-12
Buffalo Bills
Many scouts believe rookie safety Donte Whitner was a major reach with the 8th pick, however Whitner's mother did have him going as high as tenth in the second of her three mock drafts.
Pick: 4-12
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs
In order to help new coach Herm Edwards with is clock management problems, Arrowhead Stadium will forgo showing replays in the last five minutes of games, and instead just show the clock on their scoreboard.
Pick: 10-6
Denver Broncos
Broncos receiver Javon Walker is happy to be out of Green Bay, although he does concede that Jake Plummer's facial hair could never compare to Brett Favre's manly stubble.
Pick: 10-6
San Diego Chargers
New starting quarterback Phillip Rivers has guaranteed that he will throw more touchdown passes this year than the returning team leader from last season, LaDainian Tomlinson.
Pick: 10-6
Oakland Raiders
When the Raiders called Jeff George to offer him a contract, he was at his local Chucky Cheese unsuccessfully trying to beat the high score on the football throwing game.
Pick: 5-11
NFC North
Chicago Bears
The Bears' starting quarterback job was narrowed down to Rex Grossman and Brian Griese only after the team turned down Kyle Orton's request to have the job decided with a drinking contest.
Pick: 12-4
Minnesota Vikings
The biggest surprise so far for the Vikings has been that after spending five years on the Baltimore Ravens, new RB Chester Taylor wasn't one of the first two Vikings arrested this season
Pick: 9-7
Detroit Lions
Proving to people that he doesn't learn from his mistakes, Lions GM Matt Millen picked receiver Mike Williams fifth overall in his fantasy football draft last week.
Pick: 5-11
Green Bay Packers
The Packers had planned to donate $1,000 to local charities for every Brett Favre touchdown pass this season, however at the request of the charities, they will instead donate $1,000 for every interception he throws.
Pick 4-12
NFC East
Washington Redskins
After garnering much attention for the outfits he wears to interviews, Clinton Portis has been chosen to appear on the next season of Bravo's "Project Runway."
Pick: 9-7
New York Giants
As a result of his turnover filled postseason, the Manning family forbade Eli from passing any dishes at their annual 4th of July barbecue.
Pick: 9-7
Dallas Cowboys
Here is an SAT style analogy that I think best sums up the Cowboy's chances this season
Horrible flesh eating liver disease : Liver
Terrell Owens : Football Team
Pick 9-7
Philadelphia Eagles
Experts say that the Eagles weak receiving corps could be their downfall. If only they had used three straight 1st round picks on receivers like the Lions, they could be matching the Lion's success on the football field.
Pick: 8-8
NFC South
Carolina Panthers
In order to prevent injuries to their injury prone running backs, the Panthers will refrain from running the ball until week nine.
Pick: 12-4
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Hoping the recreate the hype surrounding running back "Cadillac" Williams, the Bucs announced that they will now refer to Mike Alstott as "Oldsmobile" Alstott.
Pick: 7-9
New Orleans Saints
No matter what happens to Reggie Bush this season for the Saints, we can all rest assured that his fantasy team will dominate thanks to Larry Johnson and his ESPN mobile updates.
Pick: 7-9
Atlanta Falcons
Alge Crumpler's preseason injury forced Michael Vick to awkwardly introduce himself to the teams receivers after spending the last three years on the same team.
Pick: 7-9
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks
Coach Mike Holmgren spent most of the offseason running the "NFL officials suck" MySpace page he started.
Pick: 11-5
Arizona Cardinals
As a welcoming gift, Edgerrin James bought each of his offensive lineman a set of gold teeth.
Pick: 9-7
St. Louis Rams
Going to a Rams game still allows you to see the greatest show on turf. Unfortunately for the Rams, this season their opponents will be putting on the show.
Pick: 5-11
San Francisco 49ers
Desperate for some way to showcase rookie Vernon Davis' speed on the football field, the 49ers announced Davis will replace a local 10 year old boy as the guy who runs on the field and grabs the tee after kickoffs
Pick: 3-13
Mortgage aid program is reinstated
The plan offers first-time homebuyers a 6.2 percent, 30-year fixed-rate loan and down-payment help.
By Margaret Jackson Denver Post Staff Writer
After a two-year hiatus, the Metro Mortgage Assistance program has been reinstated.
The program, led by the city and county of Denver and the Metro Mayors Caucus, gives first-time homebuyers access to 6.2 percent, 30-year fixed-rate mortgage loans, as well as a grant for 4 percent of the original loan amount to assist with down payments and closing costs.
Front Range cities contributed a total of $25 million in 2006 bond capacity to fund the program.
"Because interest rates have been so low, we haven't had a competitive product we felt good about," said Jacky Morales-Ferrand, director of housing and neighborhood development for Denver. "With interest rates rising, it gives us a competitive edge to enter the market because these are financed with tax-free bonds."
To qualify for the program, applicants must earn no more than $71,700 a year for one- or two-person families, or $82,455 for families of three or more. Prospective buyers cannot have owned a home in the past three years. The program's maximium home cost is $365,175.
Metro Mortgage Assistance
Staff writer Margaret Jackson can be reached at 303-954-1473 or mjacksondenverpost.
Denver Broncos Schedule
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