| |
With the NBA draft looming, we have decided to release our picks for the first round of the draft on Wednesday.
1. Toronto - Dr. Ian Malcolm, mathematician, Jurassic Park
Dr. Malcolm returns yet again to investigate the dino happenings, this time in Toronto. He repeatedly tells Raptor's management that chaos will ensue anytime you give millions of dollars to punk college players. He then gets mauled by a visiting T-Rex while dropping a deuce in the locker room.
2. Chicago (via New York) - Oprah Winfrey, television star
The Bulls needed to make a statement, and Jerry Resiendorf couldn't think of anyone better to make that statement than talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Don't be mistaken, she's got power, and she's not afraid to throw it around. Just ask Stedman.
3. Charlotte - David Beckham, midfielder, England/Real Madrid
Up until two days ago, Beckham wasn't even on the draft board for most teams. But with his clutch goal off a free kick, and his notorious free kicking skills, the Bobcats — shooting a paltry 72 percent from the stripe last year — hope he can somehow translate his free kicking skills into free throw skills. He could come in handy towards the end of games. The only problem was arranging for some sort of buyout from his huge Real Madrid contract.
4. Portland - Jie-jie, 3 armed baby, Shanghai
Considered an investment for the future, the Blazers go after the recently born baby with three arms. According to reports, they plan on sending vitamins and pills to ensure the baby's growth into a tall man with three arms. Expect Jie-jie to be a force dribbling and defending the ball (at the same time).
5. Atlanta - Rudy Gay, SF, Connecticut
The Hawks inexplicably take another small forward. Not sure what they are trying to accomplish here, but word has it that they are trying to monopolize the position, much like Microsoft. If they arenÂ't careful, they will probably be broken up by the government in a few years.
6. Minnesota - Emeril Lagasse, Food Network, POW!
This pick came down to Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck. Minnesota knew that they needed a player that could cook excellent postgame meals and was also proficient enough to feed Latrell Sprewell's family, and Emeril is just that player.
7. Boston - Scott Eberlein, PF, Redhead, Lutheran, Michigan State
The Celtics decide to go with the redhead to compliment Brian Scalabrine. Although he is going to seminary for three years, Boston went with the pick, similar to the Spurs drafting David Robinson back in 1988, pre-Navy. Eberlein will fight for playing time in the post. He is a real agitator and will bring toughness and grit to Boston. Expect this pick to pay huge dividends in 2009.
8. Houston Rockets - Roger Clemens, pitcher, Houston Astros
Not only is Clemens coming back for the Astros, but he also announced his desire to return to the basketball court. The Rockets also need a Human Growth Hormone expert to beef up T-Mac and Yao Ming, and Clemens is just the person.
9. Golden State - J.J. Redick, G, Duke
The Warriors take another great white player from Duke that ends up sucking in the NBA.
10. Seattle - Saer Sene, PF/C, Senegal
The Sonics actually have never seen Sene play, they just saw he was tall and they liked his name and the alliteration possibilities: "Saer spins, scoops, scores! The swingman from Senegal, Saer Sene, gives the SuperSonics a seven point lead."
11. Orlando - Magic Johnson, retired Laker, Starbucks mogul, HIV/AIDS survivor
The Magic realize that Johnson will not be playing, but his story is too good to pass up. Orlando will now be changing its name to the Orlando Johnsons. Diagnosed in the early 1990's, Magic has beaten the odds and stayed alive for nearly two decades, bringing hope to millions.
Actually, we don't think he is really infected. Aren't people supposed to die from AIDS? How is he still alive? Have we been duped? Was he involved in some sort of massive drug/gambling ring and played the AIDS card as a way out of basketball instead of facing the facts of his playboy lifestyle?
12. New Orleans/Oklahoma - Dane Cook, comedian, Cambridge, MA
After the moving around and the tough year following the hurricane, team officials felt that perhaps the locker room needed a breath of fresh air, which they found in Cook, one of the hottest comedians out right now. His contract will forbid him from doing any bits about hurricanes and will also double his ritalin prescription.
13. Philadelphia - Paul Revere, horseback rider, "one if by land, two if my sea..."
The 76ers went with the original 76er himself, Paul Revere. Revere will bring grit and determination to a team that was lacking the previous year. Also, he will fight for independence from Chris Webber's killer contract.
14. Utah Jazz - Nick Fazekas, C, Nevada
Deciding Greg Ostertag, Mehmet Okur and Andrei Kirilenko aren't enough gumpy white guys to be awkwardly interacting on the basketball court, the Jazz decided to go with the 6-11 Fazekas. We're not sure how he packed 235 pounds onto that lean, mean machine, but he appears to fit right in with the current Jazz big men.
15. New Orleans/Oklahoma- Bobby Bonilla, Pittsburgh Pirates, Killer Bee
Bonilla was the clear choice as the Hornets wanted a buy that would bring some sting to the court. And with Barry Bonds mired in a steroids scandal and usually in a grouchy mood, Bonilla is a free spirit that is great in the locker room.
16. Chicago- Mustafa Shakur, G, Arizona
Mustafa had plenty of promise. Unfortunately, just after the draft was Mustafa's showdown with brother Scar, and while trying to save the future king, Mustafa was betrayed and trampled by a herd of bulls. A wasted pick by Chicago.
17. Indiana Pacers - Adam Morrison, F, Gonzaga
President Larry Bird went out on a limb here, hoping the long hair and mustache would bring Morrison one pair of nut hugger shorts away from turning into Larry Legend himself. How excited is everybody for the postgame interviews featuring Peja Stojakovich and the self-conscious beyond repair Morrison? (Although this may work, it's probably a good thing that personnel folks don't always try to emulate themselves with their draft picks. Can you imagine the Olsen twins playing for the Maloofs in Sactown or Mark Cuban drafting Tara Reid?)
18. Washington Wizards - David Blaine, street magician, underwater-liver
Unfortunately for Washington, they skipped the pre-draft combine where Blaine underwent the routine physical. It was discovered that he lost all the nerves in his still-pruned hands from his recent underwater extravaganza. Doctors also failed to find any evidence of a personality.
19. Sacramento Kings - Prince William, United Kingdom
Hoping to improve their credibility as the Kings, Sacramento went straight to the throne, nabbing the eldest song of the Prince of Whales. While they couldn't decide between the two sons, they figured William had a better shot at being king faster than Harry.
20. Knicks (via Nuggets) New York Knicks- Bo Jackson, former MLB and NFL star, Bo Knows!
Larry Brown wanted his type of player, so Isaiah drafted one of the few pro athletes that has ever had hip replacement surgery. Word is that Bo is a ball hogging, me-first type of point guard and should fit in perfectly with the Knicks. Also, Isaiah offered Bo a maximum contract instead of the guaranteed first round money that a first rounder is sanctioned by the league to make.
21. Suns (via Lakers)- Jack Bauer, special agent, CTU
Bauer can do it all, which is exactly what this team needs. And he never fails to get himself out of trouble, which will help the Hornets win some games next year. Plus, his cell phone battery never needs charging, a great sign for this up-tempo team.
22. Nets (via Clippers) - The Fonz, cool guy on Happy Days, first person to Â"jump the sharkÂ"
The Fonz saw the great success that Opie has had coaching this team that he wanted to be a part of it. This comes on the heels of the Nets trading Nenad Kristic and next yearÂ's first round choice for the rights to all of WeezerÂ's music videos, bringing the Happy Days theme full circle.
23. New Jersey Nets - Tony Soprano, mobster
Hey, would you mess with the guy? The Nets didn't think so. New Jersey needed a guy that would patrol his territory, not let in any cheap baskets, and dare the refs to call fouls on him for fear of the lives of themselves and their families. He is also a great passer out of the post, leading to college teammates to give him the nickname Don of the Dime.
24. Memphis Grizzlies - Jake Plummer, Denver Broncos
Plummer teams up with Pau Gasol in the Griz frontcourt. The two complete the nappiest bearded frontline in the NBA and scare opponents away, leading to countless uncontested layups. Gillette sues the two, blaming them for the decline in razor sales, as white collar America becomes hip to the nappy beard.
25. Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron only wants somebody that spot up for the three. Are there any more white guys from Duke left?
26. L.A. Lakers (via Heat) - forfeited pick
The Lakers were just about to make their pick when Kobe Bryant took Phil Jackson hostage and threatened his life if the Lakers drafted somebody. Kobe would rather play shorthanded than have a teammate take away any of the scoring spotlight from himself.
27. Phoenix Suns - Cee-lo, singer/songwriter
Mistaking Cee-lo's new band Gnarls Barkley for Charles, the Pheonix Suns actually picked up a 5-foot-3 rapper/soul junk singer. Instead of the Round Mound of Rebound they get the Round Mound of Rhyme.
28. Dallas Mavericks - Jack Twist, receiver, Brokeback Mountain
Jack Twist knows how to do a lot of things, but dribbling a basketball is not one of them. It's okay, Dirk Nowitzki really wanted him on the team.
29. Knicks (via Spurs) - Robert Langdon, professor, Harvard University
After his brilliant decoding of DaVinci's secret, the Knicks decided not to draft a player and draft Langdon. They plan on using him to solve Isaiah Thomas' personnel moves, and explain them to the rest of the world.
30. Blazers (via Pistons) - Prince Harry, United Kingdom
After seeing Sacramento go overseas for their first round pick, they were relieved to see the Kings went after William. The Blazers chose to go after the younger, marijuana smoking, strip club hopping prince, hoping he'd be the face for the "Jail Blazers" marketing campaign they're trying to revive.
Teams with no first round draft pick:
48. Washington - Harry Potter
The Wizards took a gamble on this up and comer. Word on the street is that Potter's agent is trying to get a year's supply of rec specs built into the contract.
52. Los Angeles Clippers - Kevin Pittsnogle, F, West Virginia They eventually trade away Pittsnogle, deciding he isn't ugly enough to join their team. Instead, they go after, and get, Josh Boone, F/C, Connecticut. Boone joins a Clippers team that is already ugly beyond repair. He will join the skullet-sporting Chris Kaman in the frontcourt and get yelled at repeatedly by E.T. (Sam Cassell.)
60. Detroit Pistons - Chris Meagher Sr., General Motors, hardest worker in Mo-town.
Meagher gets up at 3 a.m. every morning and will bring the work ethic back to the Palace that was sorely missed this year. Papa Meagher lived on the same floor as Bill Laimbeer at Notre Dame and bunked with Joe Montana as part of the football team. A great all-around athlete by osmosis.
Relevance of the Preseason
In 2005, the only undefeated team in the preseason was the Denver Broncos. We know they won the division going 13-3 and made the playoffs.
In 2004, the only undefeated team in the preseason was the Carolina Panthers. They finished 7-9 and barely missed the playoffs in the weak NFC.
In 2003, The Patriots, Titans, Panthers and Cardinals all went undefeated in the preseason. The Patriots won the AFC East and went 14-2 in the regular season. The Titans went 12-4 and made the playoffs through the wild card spot. The Panthers won their division and went 11-5 in the regular season and the Cardinals went 4-12.
So in the last three years, undefeated teams in the preseason have went 61-35 in the regular season and made it to the playoffs 67% of the time. I realize that we still have two preseason games to win before we can call ourselves undefeated but we're off to a great start and have the potential to shock a lot of people this season if it all comes together.
The Wide Receivers
We have one of the most talented Wide Reciever cores in the NFL but how many of them will we have on our active Roster after the 53 man roster cut down? Right now the list looks something like this:
Randy Moss
Doug Gabriel
Alvis Whitted
Ronald Curry
Jerry Porter
Johnie Morant
Carlos Francis
Will Buchanon
Kevin McMahan
Out of those 9 players we will most likely keep about 6 or maybe 7 if we get worried about a player not clearing waivers to make the practice squad.
Randy Moss and Doug Gabriel are listed as starters so they will occupy two spots. Even if someone beats Gabriel out of the number 2 spot he is a lock because he is our backup return man.
Jerry Porter will not be cut due to the cap acceleration towards next season's cap so he will occupy one spot unless we can get him to repay part of his signing bonus and find a team willing to give us what we are asking for him in a trade. He is more talented than Gabriel but will need to shut up and perform if he wants out of Art Shell's dog house.
Alvis Whitted may not be a popular pick among fans but he seems to have the third or fourth receiver spot locked up depending on the status of Jerry Porter and Ronald Curry. He is a speedster and seems to make plays at key moments.
Speaking of Curry, He will get a roster spot based on the skills he flashed prior to his injury in the 2004 season. He has the potential to beat Doug Gabriel out of the second receiver slot if he can stay healthy and play at the level he was playing at in '04. So that pretty much leaves us with one or possibly two spots.
Who will it be? The most obvious choice is preseason standout Johnnie Morant. He has more upside than any of the others and has shown flashes of being a great receiver. But will the other 3 clear waivers and make it to the practice squad? Buchanon and McMahon would both most likely make it but Carlos Francis is a likley candidate to be claimed by another team. He has great speed and can also be used as a returner. His main problem has been injuries. It is doubtful that he will make the 53 man roster so he may end up on another team.
Denver Broncos Schedule
Other Searched Terms: ron dayne ricky williams, pics of ron dayne, ron dayne's nickname, ron dayne s dallas carter, ron dayne season stats, ron dayne .com, happened to ron dayne, ron dayne giants, ron dayne denver broncos final roster,
|
|
