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It's back. Nice. It all starts tonight with a very good looking game, Miami vs. Pittsburgh. Fun to watch, good D, a little offense, no Ben, new and improved Daunte Culpepper, should be good. By the way, this just floated into my head, if Daunte Culpepper (Daunte from now on) found himself on a sex cruise in Minnesota, isn't he going to get inolved with something WAY worse in Miami? Miami is the biggest sex crazed pot in the history of the United States and group orgy Daunte is probably chomping at the bit. (No pun intended...ok a little bit.)
Time for the annual NFL preview. Actually, I've never done one before, so you don't know if it's time for it or not. Whatever. In honor of one of the all-time great sports movies, and one of the funniest comedies ever, I now give you the 2006 NFL Preview to the tune of my favorite lines from "Slap Shot" the 1977 great starring Paul Newman.
(lblblblblblblbblblblblb - isn't that what a drum roll sounds like on your tongue?)
This is 100% un-edited, profanity will ensue.
32. "You know your son looks like a fag to me." "I beg your pardon?" "You better get re-married soon, or he is going to have a cock in his mouth quicker than you can say Jack Robinson." - San Francisco 49ers, 2 - 14
This team is all around terrible. Great pick-up with Vernon Davis at TE in the draft, but Alex Smith looks like a little kid wearing dad's shoes. There is little to no continuity with this offense, there are no big play threats, and the defense is terrible. When Norv Turner is your best option to turn around your haphazard offense, you're screwed, quicker than you can say Jack Robinson.
31. "They're fuckin' horrible-lookin." - NY Football Jets, 3 - 13
You could flip-flop these guys with the 49ers and no one notice. My guess is also by December no one will notice the Jets are even playing football. Mangini, the 35 year old wonderkid, may in fact get this team turned around in time. But, here is your first prediction, 100% guaranteed to be right, they are going to really regret taking D'Brickshaw Ferguson over Matt Leinart in the draft. Ferguson will help a badly decimated line, but Leinart would breath life into a badly dead offense. No running threat. No passing game. Pennington has had more surgeries than Frankenstein and he's left throwing ducks to a 54 year old Lavernus Coles. Here's a hint, Jets front office, use the next draft/free agency time period to get some players for the skill positions.
30. "Dunlop, you suck cock." "Every chance I get." - Houston Texans, 3 - 13
They drafted Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. They drafted Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. They drafted Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. I also heard for the home opener in Week 1 against Philly, the first 30,000 fans get a swift kick in the nuts just to make it better. You know, that's good icing for not drafting Reggie Bush and IR'ng your current running back. (Who I accidentally drafted in the 2nd rnd - oops)
29. "What did the old man trade for these assholes, a used puck bag?" - Tennessee Titans, 4 - 12
Billy Volek? No. Kerry Collins? Maybe. Vince Young? Please! If I'm a Titan's fan I don't want Vince Young learning anything from Volek and Collins. This isn't the education of a quarterback, this is the mis-education of Vince Young. This team is absolutely screwed. I don't even know what else to say.
28. "Got my eye on the three of you. You pull one thing, you're out of the game. I run a clean game here. I have any trouble here, I'll suspend ya." "I'm listening to the fucking song." - Buffalo Bills, 4 - 12
Don't you imagine things like this happening all the time in the NFL? Someone yelling at one of these players, about this or that, and all they want to do is listen to the Monday Night Football theme? I think this happens with the Bills all the time. Willis "I'm the best RB in the league" Mcgahee and his bionic knee can not carry a team that has no O'line and no real QB. How is someone like JP Losman a QB in the NFL?
27. "Good crowd out there tonight, boys, lets really try to win this one." "You have to hand it to the old bastard, he's highly original." "That man traveled 15 hours by bus for that?" - New Orleans Saints, 5 - 11
It's going to be good to have the Saints back in New Orleans. They are a close team. Drew Brees makes them better (I'm sick of hearing about his shoulder, he's not Pennington) and no one has a bigger stage than Reggie Bush. The Saints are like that cute senior in high school that you always thought was cute and then you run into her at some frat toga party and she's now hot and sleeping with your arch enemy, that's the Saints. Give them a beer and a year and they'll be good.
26. "The fans are standing up to them. The security guards are standing up to them. And by golly, if I could be down there, I'd be standing up to them." - Green Bay Packers, 5 - 11
Favre needs his Walker. Yes, that's Jevon Walker and a walker. Know when to say when Brett...I guess we do know you have an addictive personality. This team is far from good and bad from close up. Favre may break his own god awful record of 27 ints last year. The O'line got it's butt kicked in the pre-season and even the crazy cheese heads are beginning to question Favres motivation. We'll see if this is really "the most talentend" team Brett has played on.
25. "You cheap sonofabitch. Those guys are retards." "I got a good deal on those boys. Scout said they showed a lot of promise." "They brought their fuckin' TOYS with them!" - Oakland Raiders, 6 - 10
They are going to get a couple of wins because Randy Moss will will them to do so. Otherwise, they're in REAL trouble. It's only getting worse with this team. Aaron Brooks was going to be the savior? They even picked up Jeff George for a week! LaMont Jordan is a good back, Moss is obviously very good and the rest of the team can pick up some pieces. However, lets not forget Art Shell is not a good coach at all. Not. At. All. He trys to manage and coach each game without ever looking at the clock, considers it a "challenge".
24. "It's their rink, it's their ice, and it's their fuckin' town. But tonight we got our fans with us!" - Detroit Lions, 6 - 10
Kitna is still a very competent quarterback, Kevin Jones is a very competent running back and Roy Williams may even catch a few balls. However, there is a serious problem with your franchise when you cut your former first round draft pick, less than 4 years after you drafted him. Competent doesn't win games in the NFL.
23. "I'm gonna flash'em, Joe." "No, you're not." "I'm gonna open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at em. And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit anymore. You and your fucking fashion shows." - Cleveland Browns, 7 - 9
I know this a little low for the Brownies. They are on their way to being a decent team, unfortunately for them everyone in their division is also good or getting better. Romeo Cernell is on the right path.
22. "But Dave's a mess." "Dave's out, who's taking his place?" "Is Jesus the right answer?" - St. Louis Rams, 7 - 9
Somehow or another the Rams have continued to be pretty good with an overachieving QB, an old WR and a running back that no one ever heard before last week or something. These guys are like your old grandfather, he just keeps kicking and even from time to time he does something to surprise everyone except him.
21. "That's great. Why should she care what anyone thinks about her? She's just scrappin. Hey, how does Braden treat her? Is he nice to her? - Arizona Cardinals, 8 - 8
That's right folks, the Cards are on their way to the world of "over .500". Shhh, don't tell anyone. Fitzgerald/Boldin is probably the best 1 - 2 punch in the NFL and Leinart is the future of this team. Great off season.
20. "You're fucked!" "What?" "You are totally fucked! You're garbage for letting us all go down the drain." "Are you serious?" - Atlanta Falcons, 8 - 8
Vince Young is going to learn very quickly something that Mike Vick refuses to learn, the defenses in the NFL are very fast. Slash and burn doesn't work as well in the pro ranks. If this continues for Vick go out and buy your Matt Shaub jersey.
19. "You mean you could sell us, but you won't?" "I could probably sell you, but I can't" "Well - you know, uh - we're human beings, you know." - Minnesota Vikings, 7 - 9
To my man; the owner Ziggy Wilf. I just imagine him and Mike Tice sitting around last year after the boat controversy and this conversation going down verbatim. Bye, bye Mr. Tice. The new coach looks like he's 13. Not a good sign.
18. "Suzanne sucks pussy. She's a dyke. I know. I know. A lesbian." - Philadelphia Eagles, 8 - 8
I just don't get it with the Eagles. The pick up of Dante' Stollworth is a big deal and makes the team demonstrably better. However, I'm not sure that McNabb is 100% healthy and I don't think the defense can hold in this tough, tough NFC East division.
17. "I may be bald , but at least I'm not chickenshit." - San Diego Chargers, 9 - 7
I like this Chargers team and they are not chickenshit. It takes balls to trust Phillip Rivers. The division isn't overly strong and 9 wins is very possible. They aren't going anywhere good though.
16. "You're bullshit, you're really bullshit." "You're drunk." "You're right, he's bullshit." - Baltimore Ravens, 8 - 8
Anyone who thinks that Steve McNair is the savior please raise your hand? Anyone, anyone?
15. "I'd rather have em playin with their toys than playin with themselves." - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 9 - 7
Chucky Gruden is really good at putting together winning teams. Easily the 2nd best team in their division, and it all falls on Cadillac Williams. Healthy? Winners. Hurt? Losers.
14. "They're too dumb to play with themselves. Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the league you gotta buy it." "Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator. He would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and danmed if he didn't..." - Kansas City Chiefs, 10 - 6
Larry Johnson may run for more yards than Rothlesberger throws for. This guy is unreal. Only question is the offensive line bookends? Roaf is gone. Everyone else is a member of AARP. That ain't good.
13. "Look at that. You can't see that, I'm on the radio." - Chicago Bears, 9 - 7
For the lifeless and listless Chicago Offense. Last year was lightning in a bottle. Rex Grossman couldn't QB my back yard football team. Probably best defense in the NFL, so they'll lose 3-0 a lot. They're close, they need a field general and better skill positions.
12. "Hundred bucks says you're gonna crack my skull." "I wouldn't crack your knuckles for 100 bucks." "So, he's bluffing." "Somebody's gonna kill you, ya dumb son of a bitch, but it's not gonna be me." - Jacksonville Jaguars, 9 - 7
This defense is brutal and may, in fact, kill someone. However, Leftwich is going to spend more time on his back than on his feet and I don't see David Gerrard marshalling the Jags to Miami in February.
11. "Yeah, one hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my men who really creams that guy." - New York Giants, 9 - 7
If Eli Manning gets creamed I feel like he's going to explode like Schwarzenegger head in Total Recall. He looks like he's terrified, he looks like he's 11 and yet he's pretty good. A tough defense, a decent offense and a brutal division.
10. "Ned, what's a young man of your background still doing playing professional hockey?" "I hate my father." "Is that right?" "That's what I said, isn't it?" - Washington Redskins, 9 - 7
I hate putting this team this high, especially because Portis is still slightly hurt and the Skins didn't score one single point in the preseason. Did I mention that Brunell is their QB? With a health Portis, they could be legit. Time will tell. I'm not sure that Papa Gibbs is getting it done in DC.
9. "I tried to capture the spirit of the thing." - Miami Dolphins, 11 - 5
I think that Daunte Culpepper is going to be very healthy and very good. So is Ronnie Brown, Chris Chambers and Randy McMichael. Oh yeah, and Nick Saban is the new Bill Parcells. Everyone respects him and likes him and he gets it done. Dolphins are a playoff team, right now.
8. "Well, maybe Braden's a faggot, you ever think of that?" "No way, he got a big cock, like horse." - Denver Broncos, 11 - 5
Mark my words. Jake Plummer, Mike Bell and Jevon Walker. Very good. I promise. Minus the typical Plummer mistakes, like throwing it to the ball boy on 4th and 3, apart from that, the Broncos could be in the Super Bowl. Next year.
7. "Coach, I want that hundred dollars." "Ya gotta earn it." "My attitude's right." - Dallas Cowboys, 10 - 6
The NFC east is fairly tough, I don't buy the toughest in football, but it's tough. This Dallas defense is scary good, now, if they could just get a QB who moves quicker than a rock they could be really, really good. Oh yeah, that TO guy. Big year, you watch.
6. "She underlines the fuck scenes for ya? Jesus, if she underlines the fuck scenes for ya, she must worship the ground you walk on." "They teach you how to underline in college." "Not the fuck scenes, they don't." - Cincinnati Bengals, 11 - 5
The 2nd toughest schedule in the NFL (behind the Giants) could be the gerbil up their rear. The fear with Cincy, apart from Palmer's leg, is the experience. They may not handle the 2nd and 3rd rounds of the playoffs well due to inexperience. However, if Rudi Johnson, Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, TJ Houshmanzadeh and Chris Henry can stay healthy and out of jail, this team will score boat loads of points. The defense is the question. Big question.
5. "This young man has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him, I guess that's more than most 21 year old's can handle." - Pittsburgh Steelers, 10 - 6
Lot of bad karma here. If the Steelers were a passenger on an airplane and were sitting next to me, I'd move. Big Ben almost died, twice. Cowher is retiring, no he's not, yes he is, no he's not after this season. Hines Ward hamstring doesn't work. Lot of bad karma, that's all I'm saying.
4. "Here's a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown. I'll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the "Big Tomahawk" and he usually refers to the opposing players as 'the little scalps'. - New England Patriots, 9 - 6
Who is Tom Brady going to throw too? How long can Corey Dillion run? When he shuts down, who's the back up with Lawerence Marooney and a bum knee? Lota holes, lotta holes.
3. "Lard ass Barltley Donnellson, you all saw what happened. Stick down, gloves off, he challenged the Chiefs. Called us names, but Dave was there. Dave's a killer. - Carolina Panthers, 12 - 4
If Delhomme acts like he can, this team can win the Super Bowl, without question. Health and depth are always keys at RB for this team, but some smart pickups in the off-season will help. Defense is always solid and Steve Smith could run a route threw and electrical plan during a rain storm in the dark.
2. "What's the story on that dog?" "That's the dog that saved Charleston from the 1938 flood." "Well, fuck him." - Indianapolis Colts, 13 - 3
Addai is going to be very, very good. Peyton has figured out that position and will, as long as the Colts are contenders, always contend for MVP. The defense has a couple of question marks, but when you can score 70 pts a game, you don't care. Good coup with Vinateri. Can Tony Dungy win the big game?
1. "Are you guys crazy? We could all end up in the clinker for this. You can't put a bounty on a man's head." "I just did." - Seattle Seahawks, 13 - 3
Shaun Alexander is the man. Hasselback is underrated and the quiet pick-up of Nate Burrelson is a big help. The defense is solid at every position and the left side of the o'line is probably the best in the NFL. If the referee's don't get in the way, the Hawks could get their first Super Bowl ring.
There ya have it! The top 30 teams in power ranking order, with my predicted record.
AFC Championship:
Cincinnati vs. Indianapolis
NFC Championship:
Seattle vs. Carolina
Super Bowl
Cincinnati vs. Seattle
Champion
Seattle
With the Eagles Wide receivers(or lack thereof) being a such hot topic this offseason & preseason... and honestly nearly every year Reid has been here... I've collected some notes from around the net the Eagles WR situation.
Reggie Brown is due to break out... And I'm not the only one who thinks so!
Scouts Inc had an article in ESPN magazine about how most WRs have their breakout year in their sophomore season as opposed to year 3 as most people assume. They listed 3 specific guys heading into their second year that fantasy football owners should draft. Along with Matt Jones(Jax) & Roddy White(ATL), they included Reggie Brown and had this to say.
His speed and size are nothing special, but he consistently creates separations with his burst and quickness, So what if the Eagles run more in 2006? With a season under his belt and a healthy McNabb, Brown should maintain his rookie 2nd half production (34-463-4) over a full year.For you stat gurus... his projected stats over 16 games as a starter going by last year's stats as a starter are: 64 catches, 823 yards, & 7 TDs. Playing with a healthy McNabb the whole time and not 7 of 9 games with Mike McMahon could easily push those numbers to the 75 catch, 1,000 yard, 10 TD level.
Lelie situation heating up?
The Denver Post talked about some happenings in the NFL that have heated up interest in disgruntled Broncos WR Ashley Lelie
The Broncos hope of trading holdout receiver Ashley Lelie improved after two major developments in the league. In Minnesota, top receiver Koren Robinson was arrested on alcohol-related charges and could be suspended for a year by the NFL. The Vikings were light on receivers before the arrest and have an interest in Lelie. In Philadelphia, coach Andy Reid said receiver Todd Pinkston is not progressing well from Achilles injuries. Like the Vikings, the Eagles are thin at the position. The Eagles have been linked to the Lelie talks several weeks. Chicago is another team that has talked about Lelie. The timing may be right, since trade value for Lelie could be lowered as the cut dates approach and receivers become available for no compensation costs. Bob Grotz of the Delco Times claims to have a team source that says the Eagles would make a deal for Lelie if the price is right.
If Pinkston doesn't show enough progress, the Eagles might reconsider taking a shot at disgruntled Denver Broncos wide receiver Ashley Lelie, providing the price is right, according to a team source.
Lelie, formerly a first-round pick, would be worth probably a fourth-round pick according to sources. The Broncos, on the other hand, would take a solid defensive player or a running back in a deal.Well, Pinkston has not shown enough progress as evidenced by Andy Reid not playing him in the Ravens game.
Jeremy Bloom to miss entire season?
I've already speculated several times that there was no chance Bloom would make the team this year...Butt the word is now that he could be put on IR for the whole season rather than cut and signed to the practice squad. Putting him on injured reserve would prevent him from playing at any time this year, but it would keep him on the team without using up a roster spot.
Les Bowen agrees
There also was no update on returner-receiver Jeremy Bloom's hamstring "tweak," but it sure seems likely to land the fifth-round rookie on injured reserve... The Pass Rush is fixed...
I also wanted to pass along this very cool note about the defense... The Eagles defense has 16 sacks since the Hall of Fame Game opener against the Oakland Raiders Aug. 4.
Obviously it's quite early and several of those sacks came by the 2nd and 3rd team against the 2nd and 3rd team... However all you have to do is watch the games to see how well the team is pressuring the passer. The Eagles made a commitment to fixing the pass rush in the offseason and so far it is clearly paying dividends. The great thing is that for the most part they've done it with the front four, only 2 of those 16 sacks has not come from a defensive lineman. The vanilla, "don't show anything" defense the Birds use in the preseason has included very little blitzing. If defense is getting this kind of pressure with only the front four, it's exciting to think what will happen when Jim Johnson unleashes his blitz schemes...
Denver Broncos Schedule
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